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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073605">Emblem Is Still Burning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IppenX/pseuds/IppenX'>IppenX</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Paradox Live (Albums)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Awkward Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort feat AKYR and BAE, Exes, Fluff, Headcanoning Anne's past all the way don't blame me, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Mental Breakdown, Mutual Pining even though they're already dating, Past Relationship(s), Self-Acceptance, Sexuality Crisis, Strangers to Lovers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:08:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,669</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073605</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IppenX/pseuds/IppenX</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Between the nerves, the teasing, the music and the upcoming alcohol, neither of them realized that a rather fundamental misunderstanding may have slipped through the cracks unnoticed ...</p><p>In other words, Satsuki is in for a bit of a shock, eventually.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anne Faulkner/Satsuki Ito</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Yankee Flowers Bloom Past Midnight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Sure, no problem. Come around the club tomorrow and we can discuss this further, or ...” Iori stopped on his way to the office, catching a glimpse of pink hair through the crack in the bathroom door. “.. actually never mind, just drop by tomorrow and we’ll sort the deal out. Got other things to do right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Swiftly ending the phone call, he pushed the door open with his foot, his gaze landing on a sink surrounded by a mish mash of lipsticks, color palettes, brushes and something which was supposedly an eyelash curler, but could have also been a covert torture device - he still wasn’t sure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anne-chan?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh, what no- oh. It’s you, Suiseki-san,” Anne answered, turning towards Iori with two more shades of lipstick wedged between his fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatcha doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right now? Trying to get </span>
  <em>
    <span>Incy Rose</span>
  </em>
  <span> by blending </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pearl</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dusky</span>
  </em>
  <span>, since I’ve run out. I’m gonna buy some more after work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iori sighed, rubbing his temples. “No, I mean what are you doing here and not with your booking, ya know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, that? They didn’t show up,” Anne shrugged his shoulders before returning to his makeup endeavors.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? Ya sure?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely. Waited half an hour, cooped up all alone at the corner table, dying of boredom, and all for nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Interesting. Maybe get back there and wait a bit more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You think they’re gonna show?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> sure they’re gonna show,” Iori grumbled in reply, almost snapping his phone on the way to the office.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door shut behind him just at the right moment as the line connected through, and without sparing a single beep, he immediately rolled into a lecture:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Satsuki, excuse me but where the fuck are you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aa, uh, uhm, oh, funny story, so, I got a fever and am lying in bed-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I can </span>
  <em>
    <span>hear</span>
  </em>
  <span> the cars around ya. Where are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... in front of the club.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then get your ass inside, boy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ahh, uhm, I’m t-trying, but, ehm ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen, I’m all for whatever bet you have going on with Reo, I don’t care what you boys do as long as you have fun, but Anne’s getting bored, and I’m one hundred percent not in the mood for the scorned drama queen attitude before closing tonight. So get a move on it, will ya? Half an hour ago!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, got it, big bro. Sorry for the trouble!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Geez … punks these days,” Iori sighed as he hung up. “What was he, raised by a yakuza?” He chuckled to himself before resigning to whatever work would actually bring in some money, unlike these shenanigans he agreed to endorse for some reason.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Meanwhile, outside in front of the club, Satsuki was contemplating whether death by car accident would be less painstakingly gruesome than what Reo set him up for. And for the 74th time that week, he cursed himself for ever agreeing to that stupid competition because </span>
  <em>
    <span>of course</span>
  </em>
  <span> Reo would have his ass beat at arcade games. What was he thinking when he said yes to that?? Right, he wasn’t thinking - he just wanted to beat Reo at something. And look where that got him ...</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Absentmindedly messing around with a bracelet, Anne once again slowly moved his glance between the empty table and the clock on the other side of the club. He figured he wasn’t missing out on much; probably just some boring rich business suit again. Who else would have the money to pay for two hours of his time and then just </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> show up? Preposterous, really.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just as he contemplated sneaking off with his makeup bag again despite boss’ orders, a familiar orange mess appeared in front of him. “Huh, if it ain’t Suiseki-san’s lil punk. Hi there!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, ehm, h-h-hi ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What the hell was that? He thought the kid could rap, but he didn’t look particularly flowy with words at the moment. Maybe he was drunk already? But surely not a Thursday night, or? Anyway, not like it was any of his business. “Boss is in the office upstairs,” he nudged his head towards the stairway on the side. “Proper moody today too, so I hope you’re not looking to be bailed out of some drama or anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oof, actu- I mean, ehm, I- I’m here for, uh … y-you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne raised an eyebrow: “</span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> are my midnight booking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By all means then, please.” Anne invited him to sit down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-Sure, uh, sorry for the- I mean, I didn’t mean, like, to keep you w-waiting or any, uhm, anything.“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, it happens. Besides, what’s an hour anyway. At the end of the day, it’s your money. So, what’s the occasion? You spent all your allowance for this? Or is Suiseki-san financing cross-group espionage? Cause rest assured, BAE is winning this no matter what.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yea, I mean no, AKYR is gonna win! But that’s not why I’m here, uhm … I lost a bet, kinda.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Anne muttered, slightly negatively surprised. “I’m not sure what’s worse then: boss losing money on this, or the fact that 2 hours with me is apparently a punishment game for you lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s n-not like that,” Satsuki mumbled, wondering if he’d maybe successfully disappear from this plane of existence if he sank any further into the luxuriously cushioned seating around their table. But it seemed like his life would be threatened once more before he could even attempt that, because Anne suddenly moved over to sit right next to him, and he found himself being pulled closer by an arm around his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that, hon? I can’t hear you over the music, so if you wanna whisper, you better do it right into my ear,” Anne joked before letting go of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And if Satsuki wasn’t dead before, he sure was now. Screw appearances, and whatever remained of his dignity - he slumped down on the table, covering his face with his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually </span>
  </em>
  <span>drunk already? Or, like … hmm,” Anne pondered, not really sure what to make of this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After all, calling the setup strange would be an understatement. He wasn’t really sure about the rest of AKYR, but he kinda wanted to believe that at the very least, Iori wouldn’t endorse the idea of giving away two of his hours for a bet-losing punishment. Wasn’t that kinda disrespectful? Unless … this wasn’t punishment? Or at least not the kind he’d originally imagined.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a good look at the mess beside him; admittedly, it wasn’t a bad looking mess at all. And if he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> drunk, he was definitely extremely flustered - even with his face hidden, Anne could tell by his ears. Adorable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, I don’t think I’ve caught your name yet, Gaia-chan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t call me with- I mean, uh, ehm, it’s Ito Satsuki.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu-chan, then. How cute!” Anne teased him on purpose, trying to see if he’d maybe get riled enough to stop trying to morph with the table. But no luck. “So, Satsu-chan, how old are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nineteen. You?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thirty-two.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?!” Satsuki straightened back up, his face in mortal peril.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hahaha, just kidding,” Anne gave him a playful wink. “I’m twenty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you joke about that?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I was running out of things to bring you back to life with, after you short circuited back there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yea, but ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> funny if it were true, don’t you think?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H-huh? No, not at all!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh? Really? You like them younger then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Youn- aah, eh, I- wha?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne grinned, leaning on the table with one arm and resting his head on his open palm. “Come on now, Satsu-chan. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Surely </span>
  </em>
  <span>even a yankee punk like you knows that keeping secrets is bad manners, no?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-what secrets?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, I don’t know … like the fact that I’m not really a punishment, am I? I’m more like, a special prize, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-no ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Anne dragged out an inquisitive sigh, contemplating the morality of further grilling the poor boy who was already as red as a lobster. But damn, it was so much fun … and in the end, it was pretty harmless still. “So, just to make sure I’m up to speed on all the latest gossip: you </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> have a massive crush on me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eeeeeek!?” Satsuki yelped while trying not to choke on air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chuckled in response, showing no mercy: “Hahah, Satsu-chan, if you’re just gonna make weird sounds and stare at me, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>absolutely</span>
  </em>
  <span> taking that as a yes, you know? But then again, I must say, it’s quite a surprise too! I never pegged </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> as someone who’d be interested-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Why not?!” Satsuki suddenly regained his vocabulary, needing to make sure that he didn’t accidentally do something stupid which made Anne think he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wasn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> interested. Not like he wanted to show the opposite or anything, but … still!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, so you </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> interested?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki bit his lip, fidgeting nervously with his hands for a few moments before erupting in an unorganized mess of thoughts: “Okay well you know what, first of all, how the hell would I not be, I mean you’re good on stage, and you’re super dope, and badass, and second of all, you’re totally hot and my type and everything and like … pretty too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a change of pace, Anne was now the one changing colors and struggling with words. “Damn, Satsu-chan … that was, uh, cute as fuck actually. I had no idea. Why didn’t you say something before?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh, uh, uhm, I am b-bad with … well, this,” he gestured between him and Anne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I can tell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, well … sorry, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The, uh, I don’t know, the inconvenience … or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled, tilting his head and looking at Satsuki for a while. “I’m honestly surprised, you know? You totally slipped under my nose at the club. If I had read you, well … I might have made some moves myself even.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki stared in disbelief, his jaw dropping so hard it almost permanently dislocated from his skull. “Y-You, uhm, I’m sorry, w-what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Throwing a quick glance at the stairway to make sure Iori wasn’t about to walk in on any forbidden flirting on the job, Anne reached out, lightly touching Satsuki’s arm right above his wrist. “I mean, you’re pretty fucking cute, you know? And probably chronically single, judging by your shitty approach.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“E-Excuse me, I- I have lots of dating experience!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … what did we say about lying and bad manners, Satsu-chan?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I … sorry,” Satsuki mumbled, only now registering that he seemingly acquired a whole new nickname in the process, but he honestly didn’t have the brainpower to deal with that at the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if you’re gonna lie about it anyway, how about we make true?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... a- are you, ahem, like … you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Asking you out? Totally,” Anne mused at Satsuki’s flustered face once again. “And don’t give me that look now, I’m not proposing or anything. Just some light hearted fun, if you’re interested.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck yes,” Satsuki huffed out under his breath, nodding excitedly and still not really believing his luck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> is more like it,” Anne laughed, checking the clock once again to see the time. “So, Satsu-chan, how about we spend the last half an hour making this look like a proper date? Go get us something from the bar; house cocktail for me, and whatever you want. My treat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it. I’ll be right back!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled to himself, watching the eager Satsuki hop towards the bar counter like a puppy on a new playground. He hoped whoever was manning the drinks at the moment would realize the cocktail was for him and make it extra strong this time around, because honestly? Anne might have gotten himself into a </span>
  <em>
    <span>bit</span>
  </em>
  <span> more than he bargained for. It’s been … how long now, since the last time he went out with someone? A while, sure. And it’s not like he wasn’t looking for company every now and then, but still … all this was kinda unexpected. He surely didn’t expect to end the night on this note. And above all, he was slightly upset at the fact that he didn’t notice Satsuki swung that way; he could usually tell when guys were into him. But this blushing pomeranian? Nope, totally flew over his head. So at the very least, Anne thought, this ought to be interesting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it would definitely become </span>
  <em>
    <span>extremely</span>
  </em>
  <span> interesting soon enough: mostly because between the nerves, the teasing, the music and the upcoming alcohol, neither of the two realized that a rather fundamental misunderstanding may have slipped through the cracks unnoticed …</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Anne’s The One That’s Ambitious</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“We’re going out later tonight, wanna join?” Allen threw out the invitation while staring into their fridge in hopes of manifesting a quick snack that would accommodate both his hunger and his lack of desire to actually put effort into making food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm ...” Anne mused, leaning over the window shelf to tap off his cigarette smoke. “Don’t you have a new track to work on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want me to drop dead from stress? I had 2 assignments this week, I’m not gonna be working on a Friday night. We’re hitting up some new place Hajun found, so are you coming with us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, gonna pass this time. I’ve got a date lined up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A what now? With who? A client??”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne paused, thinking for a moment. Technically, Satsuki didn’t pay for his booking, so … all’s fair, right? “Nope, not a client. Gaia-chan from AKYR.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha? Where did that come from??”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck if I know. You should have seen him though, he’s got the biggest crush on me,” Anne divulged, grinning wide in amusement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did he ask you out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really … let’s say he made it obvious, and I made the moves, kay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure … still, him? I had no idea he was into guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither, to be honest. Who knows, maybe he’s still exploring stuff. In which case I gotta make sure to show him a good time, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am more than a little scared when I hear that coming from you ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh really? Jealous, are we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ew, no, keep your pretty hands to yourself!” Allen recoiled, holding up an apple up as ammunition.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne laughed, waving him off. “Oh trust me, I got my pretty hands plenty full with Satsu-chan. Ah, right, his name is Satsuki, by the way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see. So … what’s he like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne shrugged his shoulders: “We talked like once, alright? But he’s pretty cool, I guess, kinda all over the place but fun. And god, Allen, he’s so hot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s hot?” Hajun poked his head through the door from the living room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha-? Don’t sneak on us like that! When did you come back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Literally a minute ago. Who’s hot?” Hajun repeated his inquiry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne’s new fling - and get this, it’s Gaia.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>That </span>
  </em>
  <span>Gaia?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allen nodded, sitting down at the table and biting into the apple he ended up settling for. “Exactly that one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun frowned, looking at Anne: “He’s not bad, I guess, But not hotter than me, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chuckled, finishing his smoke and closing the window. “I don’t know. I’ve gotten pretty bored of your face by now, ya know? But Satsu-chan is totally fresh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Hajun huffed, slightly offended. “Sure would be a shame if your change of scenery ended up impacting our next Battle.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Neeeveeeeer! I know how to keep work and business separate, thank you very much. And besides, it’s not like it’s anything serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yet</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne laughed, fixing his hair. “I wish, man, I wish. But probably not with </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right? I don’t know, he just doesn’t strike me as the long term type.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just a fuckbuddy then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hajun for fuck’s sake, I’m not gonna sleep with him on the first date, who do you have me for?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Second date then, got it,” he continued to tease while Allen quietly observed the drama from the front seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Arrghh, you are </span>
  <em>
    <span>impossible!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Anne grunted in response, storming off to his room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just let us know when you need us out of the apartment, kay?” Hajun called after him. “I would </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> to accidentally walk in on something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne popped his head back through his door, completely forgetting that the plan was to </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> get worked up over Hajun’s antics again. “Dude. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If</span>
  </em>
  <span> we were sleeping together, do you really think we’d do it in the living room? Rooms have doors for a reason!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun smiled, shaking his head: “Anne, I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>think</span>
  </em>
  <span> anything. I’m just winding you up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And it’s working.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you too, dear. Have a good time with him, Allen! I need a break from ya’ll,” Anne fired back before slamming the door shut and throwing himself onto the bed in exasperation. His group mates really were </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> … good thing he wouldn’t have to see either of them again until the next morning. What time was it even? He should probably get working on his makeup for the night out, but it was kinda hard to choose the right look when Satsuki only texted him they’re going “someplace cool.” What’s that supposed to mean? Well, not like it matters much … as long as it’s not the same place Allen and Hajun are going.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Crisis averted, Anne thought as he spotted Satsuki waiting in front of a random rundown bar, one he’s actually never been to before. “Yo, Satsu-chan. Looking great!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah! Ehm, h-hi! Anne-chan! Y-You too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, you’re so sweet. So, why a bar? I thought you said you don’t drink.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, uhm, w-well yea, but you do, so … I asked big bro where he likes to go for a drink when he’s not at CANDY.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is the place he recommended? I don’t even wanna know what weird nostalgia’s going on there ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-So you don’t like it?” Satsuki asked, fidgeting with his hands and turning redder by the minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled, trying hard to sound reassuring. “It’s not that I don’t like, it’s just … well, unless you’re into watching me get tipsy while you drink sparkly water or whatever, wouldn’t you want a date to be something we can </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> enjoy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Satsuki mumbled, looking towards the ground.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... w-well, I haven’t thought that f-far ahead. I just thought of going out with you, and-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then you stopped thinking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki looked back up, nodding furiously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god. You’re the cutest shit ever. Adorable.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t mind me being an idiot?” Satsuki asked, genuinely surprised.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne laughed, shaking his head: “No? I’m totally into it. You’re such an airhead, Satsu-chan … it’s fun to watch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“T-Thanks ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say, what kinda food do you like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool, I know a barbecue place not far from here! Let’s go then,” Anne turned their plans around with zero notice, taking hold of Satsuki’s hand and half leading, half dragging him down the street. “You okay there? Or do your feet also not work when I’m near, just like your mouth?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A-A-Ahem, it’s n-not like … that,” Satsuki protested, trying to follow behind Anne without tripping and falling on his face like a complete doofus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what’s got you all flustered this ti- oh … Oh, Satsu-chan, could it be … you’ve never held hands before?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M-Maybe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm ...” Anne sighed, blending with the sounds of the night life around them for a while before working out what he wanted to say. “Hey, Satsuki … I can be pretty out there sometimes, you know? So like, feel free to stop me if I’m doing something you don’t like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Huh? N-No, I like this!” Satsuki piped up, tightening his grip on Anne’s hand and even going so far as daring to try and intertwine their fingers in the spur of the moment rush of bravado.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A bit relieved with the reassurance that his flirty nature wasn’t pushing any boundaries, Anne smiled and accepted his gesture, letting Satsuki’s fingers slip between his own. “That’s nice. Good to know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, uhm, do like being called Satsuki better than Satsu-chan, though ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do, huh? How about a compromise then - how does Satsu sound?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, it’s, ah … nice,” Satsuki answered, trying to hide his blush.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does anyone else call you that already?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great … Satsu’s all mine then!” Anne proclaimed, laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satuski didn’t say anything back though - just stared up in awe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu? Hello, Earth to Satsu? You alive?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea … just trying not to explode.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aha. That better not be an euphemism, hon,” Anne grinned, excited to see his reaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Oh … Oh! No, no, no, a-ack, n-not like that!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Chill, I’m just teasing you … but damn, your image and your sense of humor are </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> alike. You’re actually pretty tame, aren’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... maybe, like, for </span>
  <em>
    <span>some</span>
  </em>
  <span> things,” Satsuki reluctantly admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, now … don’t say it like that’s a bad thing!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, it’s … it’s not cool.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s cool. Like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>totally</span>
  </em>
  <span> cool. Or, maybe I’m just a possessive asshole who likes seeing sides of people that they don’t show anyone else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re definitely not an asshole!” Satsuki immediately felt the need to set the record straight, which made Anne laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I sure hope not … but the rest of that was true, though. I do find it pretty hot if the whole world knows you’re a yankee punk, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> also get to know your soft spots. Isn’t that just, the most romantic thing ever?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, ah … yea that sounds pretty dope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Anne stopped walking and pointed to a restaurant across the street. “Let’s get some food into you, and then you can spill more secrets about yourself. I’d love to hear it. And I hope you’re hungry, because the beef tongue here is to die for.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, that’s my favorite!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good taste! Then again, that’s not really news, I mean … you’re into </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, of course you’ve got good taste. Now come on, let’s go inside.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Totally hooked, Satsuki followed suit and despite his very carefully upheld punk image, as soon as the first slices of meat hit the grill, he already found himself spilling all kinds of stories about loneliness and being taught how to use chopsticks by a yakuza … all the while Anne’s hand rested on top of his, softly stroking the back of his palm and interlocking their fingers again every now and then.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Pay-Off Of Ambition is Fabulous</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I didn’t even notice it’s been this long already,” Anne admitted as the two of them left the restaurant - or more accurately, were asked to leave because the place was about to close for the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither. Who closes a food joint at 11 on a Friday?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smirked, looking around them to make sure none of the employees happened to be leaving at the same time. “Just between you and I? The owner’s got the hots for another hostess at CANDY. She only works Fridays, and he’s there every time at midnight, like clockwork.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, not like anything’s gonna come of it anyway. Dude’s in for a heartbreak.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We don’t date clients.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“B-But ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Satsu, </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is totally different,” Anne reassured him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, did you pay to spend time with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No … Reo asked big bro to sponsor our bet, I think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See? You’re not a client then. Totally different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm … so, like, big bro wouldn’t let you date clients?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not a chance in hell. But I wouldn’t date them even if we were allowed to. It’s just bad for business, getting in parasocial relationships like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Paraso … what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chuckled, reaching to ruffle Satsuki’s hair. “Parasocial. One sided. They feel close to me, but I don’t really care about them on a personal level. You’re not too big on refined vocabulary, are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-No. But I get by just fine without it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t say. So, are we gonna stand out here forever, or …?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki bit his lip, his gaze falling down to Anne’s hands. “I … I didn’t make a fool of myself or a-anything?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all. I loved hearing all about your life, even though some of it is proper fucked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“R-Right … I, actually, well … I loved talking to you,” he mumbled, using all his willpower to reach for Anne’s hand and look up so their gazes met. “And I don’t want to stop yet!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither,” Anne answered with a smile as he stepped closer to Satsuki, taking his other hand so that they were now standing face to face, holding both hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I guess we can go to some bar n-now? You treated me to dinner, I treat you to a drink at least?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … not sure about that. I mean, do you really wanna have a conversation over some shitty music and a bunch of weekend drunks?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“P-Probably not …”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Anne let go of Satsuki’s right hand, feeling slightly conflicted about the idea he just got, but ultimately decided that sure … why the hell not? “If it’s just drinks, we’ve got that at our apartment too. Suzaku and 48 are out today, so we can play whatever music we want. Wanna come?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To your place? Yes!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This way, then!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m right behind you ...” Satsuki mumbled, starry eyed and at a complete loss over how he’d survive being in a place where, presumably, everything had the same alluringly sweet scent as Anne’s clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” Anne said, unlocking the door and kicking it open in a grandiose manner. “Welcome to BAE’s turf. The kitchen is right behind this wall, bathroom and toilet on the left, and that room safely away from everything else at the end of the hallway is Hajun’s - that’s 48 for you,” Anne explained as he led Satsuki from the narrow hallway into the living room. “That’s the balcony over there, Allen - that’s Suzaku - has his room right next to it, and mine’s over here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right next to the kitchen, I like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know it, I called dibs on it right away! Allen tried to get in on it too, but I insisted that since I have the most stuff to move in, it’s only fair I get the closest door!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But isn’t that the closest door?” Satsuki asked, pointing to Hajun’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ahaha, yes, but Hajun wanted that one, and I wasn’t gonna argue with </span>
  <em>
    <span>him</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Anne explained as he headed into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds … organized. Our house is always a racket.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>you guys</span>
  </em>
  <span> are always a racket,” Anne teased as he looked over the bottles lined up in their cupboard. “Where the fuck ...” He then opened the fridge, rolling his eyes. “Of course Hajun left the vodka here again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you not supposed to?” Satsuki asked, clueless as usual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> is not supposed to. I like my cocktails at room temperature, cold shit makes my teeth hurt. Urgh. I guess it’s juice for both of us then … or cola, if that’s alright with you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grab some glasses from above the sink then, would ya?” Anne asked, closing the fridge and going back to rummaging through the cupboard. “I just gotta get this rum out of the way … shit, we really are </span>
  <em>
    <span>stocked</span>
  </em>
  <span> on booze. Eck … ah, here we go!” He victoriously waved a half full bottle of cola around, almost knocking one of the glasses from Satsuki’s hand in the process.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ey, careful!” Satsuki yelped, fixing his grip on the glass before it’d go shattering all over the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoops, that would have been my bad, but you saved it! Now get over here - room’s a mess right now, by the way. Uni notes </span>
  <em>
    <span>everywhere</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see,” Satsuki answered, concerned less about the stacks of paper all over the place and more about the fact that holy shit, all of this room smelled just like Anne, and he thought he was about to die from just daring to exist in such a blessed space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can put the glasses down here,” Anne nudged towards his desk, opening the bottle and pouring a drink for both of them. “Not bad,” he said after taking a sip from his glass. “The fizz is almost gone though … wouldn’t be surprised if it’s been sitting back there for a while. Well, not like either of us will die from drinking stale cola.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably not,” Satsuki agreed, his eyes darting around the room for a spot to sit down on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here,” Anne pushed his desk chair towards him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Smiling, Anne pulled himself up on the window shelf, leaning his back against the glass. “I’m fine right here. It’s where I go to take a break from all this,” he said, pointing at the scattered notes on the desk. “I mean, it’s either this, or actually tidying up, which is like … </span>
  <em>
    <span>not happening</span>
  </em>
  <span> any time soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Must be hard though … uni.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s so cool that you’re smart though. I’m not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne shrugged his shoulders, emptying the rest of his glass. “So what? You’re plenty of other things. Good with words, for once … when I’m not involved. And you’ve got a family that’s got your back no matter what now. You don’t need to be smart, you’ve got people to rely on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess … how about your family, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm,” Anne sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh- ehm, y-you don’t have to tell me if, if ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu, it’s fine,” Anne smiled, opening his eyes again. “You told me everything, it’s not right if I don’t do the same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But if you don’t want to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I want to, it’s just … well, it might be a little insensitive, given that your folks just up and left you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have a good relationship with your parents then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha … not even close.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh … I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, I guess. Dad was okay, kinda … but I haven’t seen him since they got divorced. My mother, though … real piece of shit, to be honest. Nothing was ever good enough. I was never allowed to be me. She wanted me with that haircut, those clothes, hanging with those friends, listening to that music, going to that school … anything </span>
  <em>
    <span>but</span>
  </em>
  <span> the things I actually wanted.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That … sucks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne clutched his empty glass, faking a bitter-sweet smile. “Yeah. It did. So that’s why … why I don’t bother with her anymore. Like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the one who left. BAE’s my family now, and it’s better that way. But sometimes, you know … I still, like, wonder if maybe, I could do something that would make her accept me. Though o-obviosuly, the answer is n-no ...” he trailed off, staring at the bottom of the glass in his lap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne ...” Satsuki stood up, grasping Anne’s hands without hesitation this time. All this dating stuff, he wasn’t any good at. It was new and foreign, and it scared him. But being rejected and alone … he knew what that was like. He knew how shitty it felt. And he wasn’t going to just sit and watch Anne sulk in the moonlight like a sad porcelain doll.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu?” Anne looked up, perplexed at how the yankee scaredy cat was suddenly all up in his face like it was nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I … I just want you to know that you’re great and the best and amazing just the way you are, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with your parents. And … I’m glad you’ve got BAE now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled softly, reaching his arms around Satsuki’s neck. “I’m glad you’ve got Akan too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea … it’s nice, having a space where you belong,” Satsuki nodded, his arms moving around Anne’s waist almost as if being pulled by a phantom. He sure as hell had </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> idea what he was doing!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Speaking of space … for someone who stutters around me all the time, you sure are up close this time,” Anne whispered softly, pointing out the obvious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I am?! W-Well you did it first!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, outside the … or was that, uhm, not like that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne bit his lip, wondering where this warm buzz in his chest was coming from given that he hasn’t drunk anything at all today. He pulled back his left hand, his fingers slowly tracing along the edge of Satsuki’s jaw before stopping to gently hold his chin. “Maybe … maybe it was like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without a reply, Satsuki closed his eyes, leaning closer in an attempt to follow the warmth of Anne’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Satsu ...” Anne sighed, pressing their foreheads together, both his hands now cupping Satsuki’s face. “What do I do with you? You’re bad for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I am? How?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t kiss people on the first date. But you … fuck, Satsu, I really want to kiss you right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satsuki froze up, forgetting all words or even how to breathe. Anne wants to kiss him. He’s never been kissed before. Anne wants to kiss him. Is this how falling in love feels like, or is he having a heart attack right now? He had to say something, but what? Something, something, something … “It’s the second one,” he blurted out in the end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Our first date was at CANDY. This is the second one,” Satsuki explained his brilliant logic, or at least tried to. He wasn’t sure how much of that actually came out as words and not just a jumbled mess of sounds.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha ...” Anne leaned forward, whispering in Satsuki’s ear: “Satsu … are you giving me permission, or an excuse?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Both,” Satsuki managed to say while secretly gasping for air already, his head dizzy with Anne’s warm breath in his ear, and the sound of this dumb cute nickname echoing in his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne sighed, trying to reconsider what he was about to do, because by all accounts, it was a bad idea, they’ve barely gotten to know each other, this was just them bonding over shared trauma, it wasn’t anything serious, he wasn’t thinking clearly, he would regret this in the morning … but at the same time, he knew he was sober. There was exactly zero alcohol involved in where they ended up. If Anne was drunk on anything right now, it was Satsuki … and he couldn’t remember the last time he wanted someone this much; to kiss, to hold, to have all to himself. “Ah, fuck it,” he finally put a stop to his own thoughts, hastily bringing their lips together for a moment, two, three … maybe a bit longer than that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And as Satsuki stood there, trying his best to figure out how to reciprocate his first kiss before it would be over, he realized that actually, he was both falling in love </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>having a heart attack.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it for this week folks. Yours truly has irl work to do for the next few days.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Mishmash of Misfits and Mishaps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>As soon as their lips touched, Anne’s world went completely silent. The night traffic beneath his window, the buzz of the neon light in his room, the hundred or so thoughts about whether or not to do this; they were all gone. By all accounts, it shouldn’t have been such a big deal. To no one’s surprise, Satsuki had absolutely no idea what to do in response, and Anne knew better than to try and nudge him outside of his comfort zone too soon. He’d definitely had much better kisses in the past … much more heated ones, too. This was nothing in comparison. Child’s play, really. Just a cute little crush thing. Except … it didn’t quite feel like it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne gripped Satsuki’s face tighter, hoping the idiot wouldn’t do something stupid like pulling away before Anne was ready to deal with whatever comes after this, or able to process whatever the fuck he was feeling right now in the first place. Scared? No, not really. Turned on? Slightly. Anxious? Maybe. Happy? Excited? Lightheaded? Obsessed? He wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt like his chest could explode any minute now. What was up with this feeling even? He’s made friends before. He had people he connected with. He had a place he belonged to. He had people to open up to and cry in front of. He shouldn’t be all over Satsuki just because he showed some basic compassion, and yet … fuck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Satsuki’s fault, really. For being this loud stuttering idiot, and then just showing up and holding his hands out of nowhere, and calling his name like that, and … shit. Shit, shit, shit. Anne had to admit: if he had </span>
  <em>
    <span>one </span>
  </em>
  <span>extremely vulnerable weak spot, it was people stepping up when he needed them, and being exactly what he needed them to be. Sure, he’s had much better kissers in the past - but no one who’d rush to hold him at just the right moment like Satsuki did. And as lame as it sounded in his mind, Anne couldn’t deny that the latter tore down all his inhibitions and had him falling into Satsuki’s arms much faster than any kiss could.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that’s not even to say that he didn’t like kissing Satsuki - much the opposite, actually. He was utterly hooked on it. It was nothing, barely anything, just their lips pressed together, gently scraping each other’s surface with nervous movements, really nothing notable, but Anne felt like all that was beside the point, like the only thing that mattered was that he was with Satsuki, and so close to him, and holding him, and feeling his heartbeat, his every movement reflected through his lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His thoughts still a blur, he slowly pulled away to take a breath, opening his eyes and meeting Satsuki’s wide-eyed, breathtaking gaze. Did he like what just happened? Why wasn’t he saying any-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That … ah, fuck. I can’t, I can’t do words right now, I just can’t. Anne … you’re amazing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too,” Anne answered, pretty out of breath himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki shook his head: “Come on … I’ve seen enough movies to know that must have sucked. I … I practically froze up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne paused, smiling as he stared at the beautiful face before him. “Satsu, I know I tease a lot, but I mean it this time … this was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“R-Really?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm,” Anne nodded, resting his head on Satsuki’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But h-how?! Do you only kiss idiots?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, but … fuck if I know,” he gave up on trying to explan the mess in his head. “I just liked it, okay? I loved it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” Satsuki whispered, his fingers slipping through Anne’s hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two of them shared the silence for a while, holding each other close, before Anne prodded further with another question: “So … are you expected home any time soon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I said I’m gonna be out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna stay a bit longer then?” Anne asked, lifting his head and eyeing Satsuki’s lips with a wistful smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea … but, would you mind if … if I actually try doing something this time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all,” Anne slowly closed his eyes, leaning his head back slightly in anticipation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t promise it’s gonna be good or a-anything ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A-and, like, if I do something stupid, just punch me, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, this is nerve-wrecking, how on Earth do-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu,” Anne cut him off, his eyes slightly open again. “I don’t care if you fuck up. I just wanna spend the next hour being kissed like I’m about to die tomorrow. Got it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki stared at the heart-stopping sight before him, blood rushing to his face to the point where his legs might as well give out any moment now. He wasn’t sure if that was a command or a not, but he was into it either way. Anne was still looking at him, eyes almost closed, lips slightly parted, just … waiting for him. “Yea,” he whispered, pressing their lips together for a moment, then pulling away again. “Got it. Fuck, this is wild. You’re the best .. the best … oh, Anne …”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Clumsy and hectic would be an understatement for Satsuki’s approach to kissing. Anne could tell he was nervous, and somewhat shy … but there was a boldness to it too. He wanted to stay back and let Satsuki take the lead for however long he’d want to, but the longer he spent playing with his hair, the more his inexperienced lips took over Anne’s, the more their tongues met at the tip before Satsuki fearfully pulled back again … the harder it was for Anne to not take over everything and drown Satsuki in as much as his lungs could take.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Haa …” Satsuki suddenly pulled back, gasping for air, lowering his head and gripping the edge of the window shelf Anne was sitting on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu? Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea … no … I don’t know,” he shook his head, reaching back up to hold Anne’s neck with one hand. “My head is spinning, and I feel like I’m gonna collapse, and my brain is forgetting how to fucking breathe because … because I’m so into you. I just can’t stop kissing you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne grinned, glancing over Satsuki's shoulder at the rest of the room. There were notes everywhere, but … well damn, he could take care of that later. “Say, Satsu … how are you with being pushed around?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Following Anne’s gaze, Satsuki chuckled: “In these circumstances? Fuck yea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say no more,” Anne gave him another kiss before pushing both of them onto his bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Satsuki’s back hit the mattress, he wrapped his arms around Anne, picking the kissing back up right where they left off. He felt Anne’s lips slowly growing restless, taking more and more initiative - and he wasn’t just gonna lie there and take that. He took hold of Anne’s wrists and one carefully executed maneuver later, their positions were flipped around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh? What was that for?” Anne asked, smirking up at him and reaching to trace his bottom lip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I won’t complain about being trapped under you, but I thought this was supposed to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> time to shine,” Satsuki playfully insisted, taking hold of Anne’s hand and gently kissing the fingers teasing his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … look at all this confidence, I love it. You’re adorable, Sa-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satsuki cut the compliment short, kissing Anne again, slowly moving strands of pink hair out of his way, wondering if he should dare take this kiss even further. He was pretty sure he’d be horrible at it, but with Anne softly biting his bottom lip, he figured he’d get a pass for possibly making a mess out of this. So he took his chance and went for it: aiming for the ever so alluring gap between Anne’s lips, he let their tongues meet, not shying away this time. Every passing second pulled him deeper, closer, further into this wonderful whirlwind of affection… and he wanted to stay this close to Anne forever. He couldn’t tell how long it’s been since they got to the apartment, since they first kissed, since they ended up so intertwined with each other, but he knew that it hasn’t been long </span>
  <em>
    <span>enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It would </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> be long enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just as he was about to pull away so he could breathe and maybe stare at his breathtaking angel for a while, there was suddenly a voice outside the door:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne, you’re back already? Hajun’s making pizza, do you- aaAAAHH!! NEVERMIND ME, I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Allen for fuck’s sake, there was NOTHING to see!” Anne yelled out over the sound of his door being slammed back shut. “And Hajun, shut your trap and STOP laughing out there!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I will!” Hajun yelled back from the kitchen, trying hard not to fall over laughing at both Allen’s face turning the color of his hair as well as Anne being walked in on after </span>
  <em>
    <span>explicitly</span>
  </em>
  <span> arguing about not sleeping with guys on the first date.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna strangle you when I get out there!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please put on some clothes first - both of you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For the last time, it’s NOT like that!” Anne hissed towards the door before sighing and looking back at poor confused Satsuki lying next to him. “Uh, uhm … sorry about that. I had no idea they’d be back so soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soon?” Hajun interjected from the kitchen once more. “It’s almost 4, what are you on about?!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne and Satsuki stared at each other in confusion for a moment, trying to process this information.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Four? Already? How the fuck ...” Satsuki mumbled, fixing his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>vague</span>
  </em>
  <span> idea how,” Anne said with a wide grin. “Seriously though ...” He leaned closer, whispering to avoid the pesky eavesdroppers outside. “This was incredible. I loved every second of being with you, Satsu.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too, Anne … oh, wait, shit, I didn’t even ask, is it okay to call you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne cut him off with a quick, soft kiss. “Babe, we just spent like 4 hours making out like idiots, you think I’m gonna ask you to use honorifics after </span>
  <em>
    <span>this?</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“P-Probably not,” Satsuki admitted, stumbling over already getting a second nickname in the span of a single day, this one even worse on his poor heart than the first one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Well, it looks like you’ve got two options now: either I introduce you to those two dumbasses out there, or you sneak out through the window and I try to convince them they’re just drunk and none of this ever happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki chuckled, taking Anne’s hand: “I think I’ll go with the first one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bold, aren’t we? Meeting the family on the first date already?” Anne teased a little before following him off the bed. But before he could make it to the door, he found himself stuck in a pair of strong arms holding him from behind as Satsuki whispered playfully:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Second, baby. It’s our </span>
  <em>
    <span>second</span>
  </em>
  <span> date, remember?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Anne laughed, feeling all kinds of butterflies from Satsuki’s overwhelming cuteness. “Second date. How could I forget ...”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Masters of Teasing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Satsuki followed Anne out of the room, and before he was even through the door, Hajun was already waving a kitchen utensil in his direction:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you know what this is?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yea?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Know how to use one?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki looked at Anne for any sign of this being a joke, then back at Hajun: “You’re asking if I know how to use … a cheese grater?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yea?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good,” Hajun smiled, tossing it over to Satsuki. “Chop-chop, then. All that mozzarella ain’t grating itself, and I don’t feed rivals for free,” he asserted, nudging his head towards a bowl and a block of cheese on the other side of the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, on it. For real though, who doesn’t know how to use a cheese grater??”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun chuckled, raising an eyebrow at Anne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He huffed back, searching for a cigarette lighter in one of the drawers. “It was like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> time that our pizza sauce was 0.3 percent blood. Nothing major or anything. Not like Allen had to help get cheese off your fingers before I could put bandages on, definitely not, nothing like that </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> happened, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone </span>
  </em>
  <span>knows how to use a cheese grater.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu don’t listen to him, he’s a bully,” Anne waved off Hajun’s teasing this time, dragging a chair to the window and lighting up a smoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Confused, Satsuki eyed Hajun while grating the cheese as ordered. “Ey, I ain’t any good at subtext and shit, but that was a joke, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun paused cutting the tomatoes with a concerned expression. “Joke? What joke? No, I’m dead serious. We’ve had pizza with Anne’s blood once.“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki looked over at Anne, horrified. “Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne rolled his eyes, nodding. “It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> time, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, because I’ve banned you from the kitchen immediately after.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That bad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun nodded, grinning wide at the opportunity to spill all of Anne’s embarrassing moments to his date. “Absolutely! When we first moved in, I considered getting child locks for the utensil drawers. I sure hope you’re at least half decent at cooking, because this idiot could probably obliterate the whole building with a saucepan and a gas stove, or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haaajuun, why do you have to be this much of a bitch,” Anne sighed, pouting slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bitch? What bitch? I’m just being the kind big bro here, making sure your date gets all the applicable warning labels upfront. Guy’s gotta know what he’s getting into, if you ask me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one asked you, though,” Anne nailed him on the last part, hoping that would be the end of it. Sure, Satsuki and him had a good time, but he wasn’t entirely sure that it was good </span>
  <em>
    <span>enough </span>
  </em>
  <span>to counterbalance everything Hajun could possibly spill, so he was really hoping that he’d shut up now, before scaring off his date completely. “Anyway, where’s Allen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right here,” Allen answered, leaning through the door from the hallway with a towel draped over his head. “Someone spilled their drink on me at the place we went to, I had to wash my hair. Need me to do the cheese?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need, I’ve implemented slave labor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, I see. Don’t you think we could, like, be nice to him a little? Poor dude’s gonna start avoiding Anne because of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would never!” Satsuki proclaimed. “And this ain’t no big deal. I do chores around our house all the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, you live with your parents?” Allen sat down at the table, drying his hair while trying to make some light-hearted conversation, and failing miserably.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, with everyone from Akan Yatsura. We’re a family ... kinda like you guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh … I see. That’s cool. Sorry if I shouldn’t have asked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, no big deal, it’s fine. So, where do you need the cheese?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just leave it, I’ll get it in a sec. Feel free to sit down, I’m sure Allen wants to talk to you just as much as I do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do?” Satsuki asked, settling on the empty chair between the two of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure! So, about your last track …”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finishing his cigarette, Anne smiled, peacefully staring out the window while occasionally stealing glances at Satsuki. The city outside began to wake up just as the room slowly filled with the scent of freshly baked pizza, and he began to wonder when he’ll find the time to sleep today - or if he’ll be able to fall asleep in the first place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A good hour or so later, Anne walked Satsuki out of their apartment building; partially to get a break from Hajun and Allen, but mostly to have some more time alone with him. “So … I hope you had fun,” he said, stopping at the end of the stairs. “And again, sorry about those two. They’re real pains in the ass when they want to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki shook his head: “No problem. It was great, glad I got to meet them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chuckled, waving his hand in denial. “Ah, you say that now, but wait until they gang up on you every time you’re here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every time?” Satsuki repeated, his eyes lighting up at the idea of getting to be with Anne like this again. Admittedly, he once again hasn’t thought that far in advance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well, I mean ...” Anne paused, feeling embarrassed about the fact that he just jumped the gun instead of going for something much cooler, like saying they’ll be in touch, or telling Satsuki to call him again sometime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki stared in awe, noticing his date get flustered for the first time. In yet another burst of confidence, he wrapped his arms around Anne, holding tight. “I’d love to be here so much that I get sick of them … but not you, of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu ...” Anne sighed, returning the hug. “You’re so cute.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too … so when can I see you again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I work every night next week, so Saturday, I guess? If that works for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it should. I’ll let you know, ‘kay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Anne nodded, conveniently forgetting to let go and say goodbye. But Satsuki wasn’t pulling away either; instead Anne found himself mesmerized by a soft whisper in his ear:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know everyone can see us out here … but can I kiss you goodbye?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care if people see,” Anne assured him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither,” Satsuki agreed before stealing Anne’s lips for the last time in at least a week. He wanted it to last longer, so much longer, but they really couldn’t just make out here … it was only a question of time before some poor unsuspecting neighbor bumped into them on their way to work. So with much regret, he soon ended the kiss, placing one more on Anne’s cheek for good measure. “I’ll miss you, baby.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” Anne replied in the same breath, internally melting once again at Satsuki calling him </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> of all things. No one’s used that nickname for him before - this was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> new, and he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> confused by it, in a good way. Some part of that internal dilemma must have shown on his face though, since Satsuki followed up with another question:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do … I mean, do you like being called that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh? Why wouldn’t I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know … you were looking at me all weird, so ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Satsu, you idiot,” Anne shook his head, trying his best not to smile too much. “I love it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stared at each other for a while, and kissed a few more times before finally saying goodbye. Anne watched as Satsuki was leaving, and it seemed like the sleepless night finally caught up with him: he felt like he could collapse and fall asleep on the spot, but he figured Hajun wouldn’t let him hear the end of it if they found him napping on the stairs outside. So he did the responsible thing of dragging his ass back to the apartment, where his favorite idiots were waiting at the kitchen table with the widest grins on their faces.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So … what do you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun shrugged his shoulders: “Not nearly as hot as you made him out to be. But he’s not useless in the kitchen, and he didn’t seem to mind me being a bit of a dick to him, so … I don’t know, he’s fine, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s a lot, coming from you,” Anne remarked, slightly weirded out by the strangely high approval rate Satsuki seemed to be getting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree, though,” Allen chimed in. “He’s cool. Loved asking him all about the music he’s working on right now. Really sorry I walked in on you two, by the way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“SPEAKING OF WHICH!“ Hajun almost jumped up, slamming the table with his hand. “What the fuck was that? After what we talked about before we left, even?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne rolled his eyes, grabbing a glass of water before joining them at the table. “We talked about not sleeping with people on the first date. This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>nowhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> near that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but … you also don’t kiss people on the first date. Like, that chick you went out with last year? You guys kissed on like, the fifth date?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seventh,” Allen corrected him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, creeps … since when are you tracking my date life?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun leaned back, raising his hands in defense. “Hey, I’m just saying ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allen nodded along, not sparing any of Anne’s nerves. “He’s got a point, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Under fire from both sides, Anne finally gave up, slumping down on the table. “Eh … do you think I screwed up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, no, but … you’re weird. This isn’t like you,” Allen insisted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Anne sighed, replaying the events of the past night in his head one by one. “It’s just … we talked so much, and he knows what it’s like to have no family until you find your own, and … I don’t know, he was just there, and he held my hands, and said some cute shit, and … fuck, I just lost it. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, would you look at that … you’re totally into him,” Hajun smirked, slightly conflicted as to what to feel about the state Anne was in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M-Maybe … it was just a date, okay? Don’t get any stupid ideas, both of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t know about you, but he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> got it bad for you,” Allen noted, eyeing Hajun for support.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh definitely,” he agreed. “I mean, did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> that shit?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See what?” Anne asked, raising his head off the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t notice?” Allen asked, genuinely surprised. “He couldn’t keep his eyes off of you for two seconds, not even once the pizza hit the table.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, in his defense, our boy was practically doing the same. No wonder he didn’t register it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s ... that’s not what was going on, come on,” Anne tried his best to salvage the situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not? So both of us just imagined all this blatant flirting? I don’t think so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We didn’t imagine shit, trust me. You guys were all over each other, mentally. The two of us were </span>
  <em>
    <span>clearly</span>
  </em>
  <span> surplus to requirements. I bet a six pack of energy drinks that he doesn’t even remember what we talked about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright there,” Hajun patted Allen on the back to get him to stand down for a bit. “Anyway, Anne … I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, jokes aside, he seems great. And really into you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>super</span>
  </em>
  <span> into you,” Allen interjected to really drive the point home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... so if this goes somewhere further, you’ve got our full support,” Hajun concluded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Somewhere further, huh?” Anne mumbled, a stupidly droopy smile on his face. “You think he’d wanna be my boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun rolled his eyes, almost annoyed. “Hello? Were you not listening to anything we’ve been saying? Forget boyfriends, this dude would marry you in two seconds flat if you asked. I’m not even kidding. Like, come on, he looks at you as if god himself descended to Earth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allen nodded along enthusiastically: “Absolutely. He’s been hooked, lined and sinkered.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Argh, you two are impossible … both of you … stop filling my head with all this,” Anne sighed, burying his bright-red face in his hands. “This is horrible!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Horrible? Why?” Allen asked, unsure of what part of this seemed to be the problem.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I’m really into him too!” Anne blurted out, followed by his head hitting the table again in a sign of defeat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The sounds of laughter erupting after that were kinda muffled as he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He vaguely remembered hearing something from Hajun about not falling asleep in the kitchen, and needing to get back to his room, and he was going to … he was going to … right after he’d finish thinking about him and Satsuki alone in his room, messing around on his bed, kissing and saying all those stupid things and … fuck, what has he gotten himself into?</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Cat’s Questions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Zen, can ya </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> sit down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh? Oh, right, of course, Young Master.” He answered, sitting at the edge of the kitchen table, nervously tapping his legs against the floor, eyes darting between the hallway and the clock on the wall. Not even 10 seconds later, he was back to pacing between the door and the table again. “Okay but what if something happened to him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He would have called,” Iori insisted calmly, flipping through the sales totals for the past month and summing up the numbers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if someone got him, or if his phone is dead, or if he’s lost somewhere, or-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zen, for the love of god, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Sit your ass down. The kiddo is fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting down again, Zen slowly exhaled. “Fine, fine … but it’s almost 7 already. Are you sure he’s okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iori nodded. “Hey, for all we know, he might not be coming home at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never?” Hokusai asked, his face full of concern, but still glued to the table where he was trying to take a nap, if only Zen would stop pacing around all the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I meant today … geez, guys. When I said I’m gonna wait up for him, it really wasn’t an invitation for a group stakeout. You two should go to sleep, at least.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do we </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> to?” Reo asked, not raising an eye from his phone for even a moment. He’s been stuck on this level for a good 20 minutes now, and it was starting to become annoying. “I wanna wait to make sure he’s home okay!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aha … more like, you wanna get the deets first,” Iori shot back, having already read Reo’s intentions the moment he joined them in the kitchen hours ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gah, fine, you’ve got me, big bro! I gotta know what’s up. I can’t believe he’s just out there on a date, like … like … hmpf.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> not believe it? You’re the one who got the ball rolling on this in the first place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but when I set him up with Anne-chan at CANDY, it was supposed to </span>
  <em>
    <span>embarrass </span>
  </em>
  <span>him!! He was supposed to be all, you know, awkward and stuff, I wasn’t expecting them to actually set up </span>
  <em>
    <span>a date</span>
  </em>
  <span>!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I was surprised by that as well,” Zen added, wrestling with himself to stay put at the table as instructed by Iori.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Though, I mean ...” Reo paused, looking at the group around him. “Does Satsuki </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iori shrugged his shoulders: “Weren’t you the one who stopped Zen from telling him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, but that was a long time ago! Didn’t you tell him since?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I? Ain’t my business going around telling people the obvious. I’m sure he’s figured it out by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, what are we talking about?” Zen asked, not sure where the conversation was going.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reo sighed, putting his phone down for a quick break. “Anne-chan being a guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think Satsuki knows.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha? … oh. Oh?? He thinks they’re a girl?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so? He used to, at least? Heck if I know, does it look like we have daily chats about his crushes? Hmpf, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think he knows,” Hokusai added, still slouched down and half asleep. “I don’t think you go on a date with someone without knowing whether they’re a guy or a girl, or something else.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But this is Satsuki we’re talking about, he’s oblivious and obtuse to boot!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> much,” Zen assured Reo. “This isn’t some cheap sketch comedy, I’m sure if he didn’t know before, he’s been told today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess you’re right. But like … what’s taking him so long? They can’t possibly be, I mean … they can’t possibly actually be dating, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not? Is Reo jealous that Satsuki got a, uhm, partner before him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? No!! Hmpf, not in a million years. I just mean, like … would he do it? Ya’ll think he goes both ways?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of them paused at the rather obvious question, trying to figure out the answer - but there wasn’t really much for them to speculate about, to be honest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like I care,” Iori ended his thought experiment first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like it changes anything,” Zen followed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like it’s any of our business either,” Hokusai concluded. “Unless … you’re interested, Reo?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reo shook his head, grabbing his phone back. “No, nope, no thanks. I am definitely straight, but if I wasn’t, why would I want anything to do with </span>
  <em>
    <span>Satsuki</span>
  </em>
  <span>, of all people? No thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gotcha.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about you, Hokusai? Do you like guys or girls?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm ...” There was a long pause, followed by: “I like cats. And people who like cats. And you guys, even if you don’t like cats.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How touching, thank you,” Iori chimed in again, somewhat honest but also somewhat sarcastic. “Anyway, I guess if you guys are </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> worried, I can call-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Worried about what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone turned their heads to the door, where Zen was already running to lift Satsuki up. “You’re home! You’re safe!! You’re alive!! Satsuki, we were so scared for you!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> was scared for you. The rest of us were mostly unconcerned,” Iori issued a correction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, thanks ...” Satsuki mumbled, not sure what to make of the scene before him. “Why are you all here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had work to do, so I figured I’d wait for you to get back from your date. Then these guys got wind of it, and, well … here we are. You sure kept us waiting though!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if I knew you were staying up for me, I’d ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come back sooner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... no. I’d send a text though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aha. So, how was it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With all eyes on him, Satsuki turned visibly red, but smiled brightly nonetheless. “Amazing! Awesome! The greatest! We’re meeting again next weekend!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see,” Iori nodded, eyeing Zen to do his part.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you two are … well, dating now?” Zen asked, hoping that was close enough to what Iori had wanted him to ask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” Satsuki answered, confused by the response he was getting. “Is … is there something I’m missing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, eh, we just thought a little about things, and you know, with Anne-kun being ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. That ...” Satsuki bit his lip, nervously scratching the back of his neck as all eyes were on him once more. By all accounts, he should have thought of that sooner. Anne was part of a rival group - of course that would complicate things! He suddenly felt extremely dumb for completely overlooking such an important detail, and he wondered if the other guys were mad at him for betraying their loyalty. “Is … is it a problem for you guys if-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! No, no, no!” Zen cut him off, almost lifting him off the floor again. “There is no problem, absolutely no problem, we all just want you to be happy!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iori nodded: “You heard him. I couldn’t care less </span>
  <em>
    <span>who</span>
  </em>
  <span> you like, it doesn’t change anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right,” Reo added reluctantly, still more than a fair bit shocked at how nonchalantly Satsuki just waltzed out of the closet for all of them. “It’s a little surprising, but like .. you’ve always been all over the place, I shouldn’t even be surprised. Hmpf, what I’m trying to say is … I’m cool with it. You’re still our bro no matter what.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does Anne-chan like cats?” Hokusai asked, not really keeping up with what the agenda was, but everything others have said felt important, so he thought he’d best add his own important question too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I … I don’t know, I’ll ask about the cats, I guess, but … damn, guys ...” he raised his hand, wiping away the tears that showed up out of nowhere. “I am so touched … thank you so much, ya’ll are the best. And yes, I’m happy! Anne makes me happy! The happiest I’ve ever been!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All that matters, that’s all that matters,” Zen repeated a few times while ruffling Satsuki’s hair. “By the way, you look like you haven’t slept at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s because, uh, I haven’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?! To bed, now! All three of you, for that matter!” Zen nudged Reo and Hokusai, sending them to their rooms in the usual overly concerned manner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for herding the younglings, Zen,” Iori commended him once they were left alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Young Master, you could use some sleep too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wouldn’t we both?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably … I don’t think I can sleep though, I’m still a little shook. You think we did this okay? I’ve never known anyone … I mean, I probably have, but they haven’t told me, so it’s like … you think we handled this right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we did great. He seemed happy. Now can we </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> stop making a big deal out of whose pants he’s getting into?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. Would probably be a good idea, you’re right. I’m sure he also wouldn’t want us to keep bringing it up,” Zen agreed, drinking a glass of water for the nerves. “Well, I’ll be off … maybe try and get a few hours of sleep in too, Young Master.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will do, will do,” Iori waved him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> at the kitchen table, please!” Zen added his final plea before walking out.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki didn’t even get one moment to himself before Reo already sneaked into his room:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So … I’m surprised you made it through the whole date alive!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Flopping onto the bed, Satsuki briefly considered pulling a pillow over his head and pretending Reo just wasn’t there. “I’ll have you know, it was a great date,” he eventually replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span>? What did you guys do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, first we went to some awesome barbecue place, and we talked lots, and after that, we ended up at BAE’s apartment. They all live together, just like us! Anyway, we were alone until Suzaku and 48 came home, and then all 4 of us chilled together. Did you know 48 cooks? He made us the best pizza ever! I helped with the cheese, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You had pizza? Homemade pizza? And you didn’t bring me any?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reo, you were the </span>
  <em>
    <span>last</span>
  </em>
  <span> of my thoughts today,“ Satsuki looked him dead in the eye, pausing for a while before laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, rude. So, still a virgin, I guess?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oi oi oi! Not your business!” Satsuki suddenly found himself on the defense, face bright red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s a resounding yes. I thought so!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We kissed though!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-You did?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> a surprise?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh, hell if I know. Didn’t think you’re the type to plan that for the first date.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Technically the second date. But it’s not like I planned anything, it just … eh … happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmpf,” Reo pouted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you jealous? Cause I got a date first?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wish. For the record, this only half-counts!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only half? Why?” Satsuki asked, confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Almost immediately, Reo felt extremely bad about what he just said. Sure, they always joked that Reo would get a girlfriend first, and Satsuki was useless around girls, so going out with a guy must have been at least </span>
  <em>
    <span>some</span>
  </em>
  <span> level of cheating the competition, but he didn’t mean to make it sound like he thought less of this than he would if Satsuki were going out with a girl. “Eehm .... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. It counts. It 100% counts. You totally beat me. Guess I am a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> jealous after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, don’t worry about it too much … if I managed to make it happen, I’m sure you will too. You’re much better at this than me anyway. I’m still confused about how I stumbled all the way here, to be honest.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should thank me for setting you up in the first place!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even though he knew Reo was just messing with him, Satsuki looked up with the brightest possible smile: “Thanks, Reo. I owe you, big time!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yuck. Go to sleep, you’re being all nice and it’s creeping me out,” Reo replied and slammed Satsuki’s door shut, before it would show that he was secretly very happy about hearing that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally left to his own thoughts, Satsuki fiddled around with his phone for a bit before figuring out what the most acceptable message to send would be. After much typing, deleting and typing again, he ended up with something which he hoped was good enough:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank you. Sleep well. I miss you. Also, do you like cats?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Look Up At The Sky</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Anne-chan, got a minute?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne looked up from the bar counter, seeing Iori on his way to the office. “Sure, nothing to do right now, though you know how that is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well before the next patron sweeps you up, do me a favor and grab the craft beers from storage.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, didn’t Zen-san bring two crates up before opening?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess we’re out already,” Iori shrugged his shoulders, waving goodbye before disappearing upstairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Out?” Anne wondered, looking around the place. Sure, he’s been preoccupied with customers until now, but it didn’t look that busy, and it was only Wednesday - not really the peak time for casual drunks. “Eh, guess I can use a few moments to catch a breath … but really, since when am I paid to do the heavy lifting around here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made his way to the storage room, looking for the lightswitch when an all too familiar voice came from behind him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The old neon light bulb flickered a few times as he turned around, a smile sneaking up on his face immediately: “Satsu? What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, well … Saturday was too far away!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you put the boss up to this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just asked if you’re free. He told me to wait here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne rolled his eyes, reaching out to hug Satsuki. “I should have known. Running out of beer, my ass.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m glad I was a surprise, still. And, uh … I hope I’m not in the way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, coming to see you at work, and all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can spare a few minutes, babe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Great,” Satsuki mumbled, resting his head on Anne’s shoulder. “I missed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we stay like this for a bit?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Definitely,” Anne smiled, leaning his back against the door. “Any special wishes for Saturday, by the way?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides you? No, not really.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww. Wanna come to my place again then? We can cuddle and watch some movies, and I can probably trick Hajun into making food for all of us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s pretty much the best date I could ask for!” Satsuki enthusiastically agreed to the plan, kissing Anne with a wide smile on his lips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, really? Cool, I’ll let Hajun know you’re into his cooking,” Anne teased, trying to hide the stupid grin on his face from that unexpected kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean … I am, but still. He’s got nothing on you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s nice to hear. Especially since he always insists he’s the best dating material out of the three of us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whaa? No way, nah. You’re clearly the best!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wonder sometimes … arguably, both of them have their life together a bit more than I do. Allen less than Hajun, but still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh ...” Satsuki mumbled, staring at Anne with a mystified look in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s with that lost puppy look all of a sudden, Satsu?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, just … I didn’t think you’d get insecure about stuff like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, that ...” Anne sighed, biting his lip as a strange wave of vulnerability began to sweep over him. But instead of trying to force it back down, he just held Satsuki a bit tighter. “Yeah, I worry about it sometimes. But like, don’t we all?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably … I didn’t mean anything bad by it! Just that this is new to me, seeing you like this. I … I know it’s stupid, but I used to only ever look at you from somewhere far away, and you always felt so confident and invincible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to disappoint, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki reached up to hold Anne’s face, a few strands of hair getting pulled in between. “What are you talking about? I’m not disappointed, I’m … I’m … mesmerized by you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so dreamy and so amazing, but also human like the rest of us, and that makes me happy. I feel closer to you that way. It makes this whole thing feel real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“T-Thank you … you’re so kind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Least I can do. So please don’t worry about being insecure around me! I’m the same too, lots of times. I want to be there for you when I can.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only if you promise you’ll let me do the same for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki smiled, slowly nodding as he leaned closer to Anne’s lips: “Speaking of insecurities, uhm … am I any good at this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I told you already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, but … just to make sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love your kisses, Satsu,” Anne whispered, closing the gap between them. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought about just not going back to work at all and instead staying here for the rest of the night, or at least … at least a little longer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But as moments turned to minutes and they began to get lost in each other, Satsuki pulled away, gently fixing Anne’s hair: “You should probably get back, or I’ll get banned from the premises.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah … I guess so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Busy night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really. I had two bookings earlier, got to chat with an investment banker and an aspiring fashion designer. It’s been just calls for the most part, but we’ve had some fun ones! Two sisters were in for a birthday drink, and they wanted each of the cast to tell them a joke to see who was the funniest … I didn’t win that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki chuckled: “Sure sounds like a fun job. Guess I’ll slip out the back after you’re gone, I sure wouldn’t want the patrons to know I have their favorite hostess all to myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d say it ain’t like that, but it kinda is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, big bro already joked about me being bad for business around here now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, harsh. Suiseki-san doesn’t spare you at all, does he?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, he doesn’t. But he’s right, and I get it - it’s just a job. And it’s not your fault that people wouldn’t like it if they knew you were seeing someone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh,” Anne looked at him in surprise. “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>don’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> mind me working here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No? I mean, maybe it’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> weird dating someone who works for big bro, but if he’s okay with it, so am I. Actually, even if he wouldn’t be okay with it, I wouldn’t let that stop me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but … you really don’t mind dating someone who works as a hostess?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I spend time sweet talking all those people, and … I don’t know, maybe you’d get jealous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki ran a hand through his hair, thinking for a while. “Well, if I would, I would be an asshole. You’re mine, but not like … </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right? I don’t get to tell you what to do with your life. I knew you worked here when we first met, big bro always says you’re really good at it, and you seem to be having fun, so … why would I not want you to have that? And besides ...” he trailed off, fidgeting with his hands a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s … I mean, what we have, it’s … it’s not just because you think I’m cute, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne shook his head, hugging Satsuki again: “No. It’s so much more than that!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. I know,” Satsuki whispered in a soft sigh, appreciating the reassurance. “So why would I be jealous? So what if other people get to spend time with you? So what if you smile and flirt with them? They don’t get to hold you like this, and listen to you get all worried about things, they don’t get to send you a million messages before going to sleep, and … and all the other things. It’s just a job. Dating you is entirely different!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, look at you - spoken like a true pro with years of dating experience,” Anne laughed, resting his forehead against Satsuki’s. “But really … thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For what? The obvious?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe to you, but … my last relationship went down the gutter because of this place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?! Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup. She couldn’t put up with having to share my time with so many people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, that’s horrible, I’m so- wait, </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne pulled away, blushing slightly. “Ah, right … guess I should have mentioned I don’t really see gender as a factor when it comes to liking people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. That’s … interesting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry if it’s like … weird for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh? No, no big deal. I was just a bit surprised, that’s all. I thought you were only into guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the vibe I give off these days?” Anne asked, trying not to laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh .. uhm .. yea, kinda. Or maybe I just saw it that way cause I hoped you’d be interested in me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I clearly </span>
  <em>
    <span>am</span>
  </em>
  <span> interested in you,” Anne winked. “But not </span>
  <em>
    <span>only </span>
  </em>
  <span>guys. Though, hmm … it has been more guys than anything else, I guess. Hey, maybe I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>have a type after all!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe your type should be getting back to work,” Satsuki took it upon himself to resist another kiss and instead be the responsible person in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck … you’re right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Saturday, baby. We’ll have all the time in the world for this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t wait,” Anne admitted, giving Satsuki one last kiss before returning to the bar, chatting up the patrons with a whole new spark, one that even Iori couldn’t miss when he popped out of the office for a glass or two.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh, would you look at that ...” Anne smiled, his gaze landing on the laptop at the edge of the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Satsuki asked, his fingers slowly slipping through Anne’s hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s the end credits already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Well, it was a good movie … the first ten minutes, at least.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Personally, I liked everything after that a lot better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki sighed, lying down next to Anne: “Yea. Me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne moved closer, resting his head on Satsuki’s chest. He knew that inevitably, they’d be back to making out with no regard for their surroundings again. But as the light from the laptop screen slowly dimmed and the room turned pitch black, he wanted to treasure this too … just being together with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for giving me a chance,” Satsuki struck out of nowhere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad I did,” Anne raised his head, resting an elbow on the bed for support as he looked down at Satsuki. “Really … so glad … you have no idea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I do,” Satsuki cupped Anne’s cheeks, bringing their faces closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe ...” Anne closed his eyes, waiting to be kissed for the hundredth time that night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“More like definitely,” Satsuki answered, fulfilling the invitation with a slow, soft kiss. “I never thought I could even speak to you. If you told me two weeks ago that I’d be holding you in my arms now, that we’d spend hours kissing and laughing like this … I wouldn’t believe that shit. Not us. Not me. Not with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can always take things slower if you want,” Anne whispered, knowing full well that it was mostly him who was rushing things, or at least that’s how it felt to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Satsuki shook his head, sneaking in another kiss; lips parting, their tongues finding home in each other’s presence that lingered even once they pulled apart, carefully staying close enough so that they could still feel the touch of each other’s skin as both of them slowly remembered how to breathe. “No. I don’t. This is okay. I’m fine with this. I’m lost, but I’m lost in </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> And that, if you ask me, is the best thing ever … in the entire universe. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You</span>
  </em>
  <span> are the best thing ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too,” Anne agreed, hugging him tight. “I’m so fucking happy you’re into me. I think you’re the best person I’ve ever been with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“R-Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chuckled, slumping his shoulders and hiding his face in the crook of Satsuki’s neck. “I didn’t expect to feel this way about you in the first place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lighthearted fun, was it?” Satsuki repeated what Anne said on their first date.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup. That’s what you do when a cute guy shows up and says he’s interested. And now look at where that got me, eh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. And I love it. Though to be fair … I just thought you were some punk messing around. Obnoxiously loud, and kinda full of himself. I didn’t expect you to, like, actually … be someone. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No worries, I get it. That’s why I said I’m glad you gave me a chance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like you needed much … you’re great to talk to. And fun. And kind. And you didn’t try to get laid on the first date, that’s already higher standards than most people who hit on me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ahem … uh …”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled at Satsuki’s adorable stutter, absentmindedly stroking his hair and playing with knot at the back of his bandana. “Ah, my bad. I forgot your virgin self is easily spooked by such scandalous topics.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bully,” he huffed, turning his face away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsuuuu … babe, I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t joke about that. Your sexual history is none of my business. And there’s no need to rush it either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki kissed the top of Anne’s head, letting out a small sigh of relief. “Thanks. Means a lot to me … especially since everyone makes a big deal out if it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh, take it from someone with experience - sex is overrated.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is?!“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think so, yeah. Except ...” Anne’s mind drifted away, a couple of memories bringing a smile to his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Except?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... except when it’s with someone you really love. So if you want my advice; wait for that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, but … how do you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve never been in love?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled, sitting up and pulling Satsuki along with him. “You just know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That simple?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Surprisingly so. You wake up one day and it just makes sense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki nodded slowly, thinking about it for a while. “Alright, but then … what happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since I’m here with you and not someone else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not much,” Anne answered before lying back, staring at the ceiling with a nostalgic expression on his face. “Places change. Times change. People change. Not even necessarily for the worse, mind you. It’s just that … </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> is one thing. Staying is another.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the point of love, if not that it stays?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not all people are a highway, Satsu. Some are crossroads.“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meaning?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just because something doesn’t stretch into infinity, it doesn’t mean you don’t need it to get wherever you’re supposed to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, Satsuki burst out laughing, leaning over to kiss Anne once more. “Okay, you’re too smart, I’m gonna need a week to process all of that! But in the meantime ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely,” Anne answered with a kiss of his own. “Just maybe let me put the laptop away first, it’s a miracle we haven’t pushed it off already,” he stopped to move the laptop onto his nightstand. “Good. Now, where were we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here,” Satsuki answered, tackling Anne with a barrage of kisses, holding plenty of ammunition for at least the next few hours still.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Window Gazing Blues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hey, big bro?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sup?” Iori greeted Satsuki without even looking up from his computer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you seen Anne?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not since I got to work, nah. Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I took Zen’s advice and looked up everyone’s schedule so I can make surprise visits during actual breaks, cause you know, don’t wanna disturb the work ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well everyone who should be on break now is outside behind the club, but Anne’s not there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh, maybe you should have announced yourself in advance. People do stuff with their life during breaks, you know? Anne-chan’s probably somewhere getting some food … at least I hope so, with the way tonight’s going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Busy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For a Monday, it’s pretty nuts out there. But it’s good for business, so I ain’t complaining.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki nodded, trying not to let his bad mood dampen Iori’s good spirits. “Ahh … well then, I guess … I’ll send a text or something. Maybe come back tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll mention you were here, if we run into each other before closing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need, but thanks!” Satsuki waved goodbye before closing the office door and leaving CANDY. Just like that, his plans to see Anne were down in the gutter. Maybe that’s what he got for wanting to make this happen so soon, after all they saw each other just 2 days ago … but still!</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Meanwhile, Hajun sat in the corner of one of those sketchy fast food places he’d never go to on his own, trying to talk to Anne who insisted on dragging him there. He’d had a rough day, and he was in the mood to complain about it to his heart’s content, but it wasn’t really going anywhere. “... well, that’s how the photographer ended up asking me to dye my hair pink.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm,” Anne nodded absentmindedly, moving the fries on his plate around with a fork.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I figured, if I’m dying my hair pink, might as well go the whole way and do the eyebrows too, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I’m also thinking of getting a moth tattooed on my forehead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mh- wait, what?!” Anne’s head finally shot up. “You’re joking!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t say,” Hajun sighed, leaning back and rubbing his temples. “I’ve been saying fuck all bullshit for the past 10 minutes or so, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> from you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-Sorry,” Anne bit his lip, finally lifting up one of the fries, but seemingly forgetting to eat it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not sure why I even bother to be honest, I should just mention Satsuki next ti- Anne, dear, that was supposed to be</span>
  <em>
    <span> sarcastic</span>
  </em>
  <span>, can you please get this alert expression off your face? It’s both giving me the creeps and making me jealous at the same time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What expression ...” Anne mumbled, feeling himself blush a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span> expression?” Hajun repeated with a sinister grin. “Oh, I don’t know … the expression you’re having right now? The expression you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> having all of a sudden? The expression where someone mentions Satsuki and your face lights up like a christmas tree? You know … </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> expression?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you,” Anne replied in defeat, shoving the remaining fries in his mouth before he’d accidentally put his foot there first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To be real though … you are kinda giving off concerning vibes. Don’t you feel like </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span> this is going a tad bit too fast? I mean, I don’t know what kind of “casual dating” you’re into these days, but I distinctly remember you saying that it’s probably not gonna be anything serious with him,” Hajun rambled on, with obligatory air quotes around casual dating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but ...” Anne sighed, pressing the fork against his bottom lip as a strange warmth appeared in his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, I think I can </span>
  <em>
    <span>directly </span>
  </em>
  <span>quote you on saying that he’s not the long term type. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t see this coming because let’s face it, you’re a hopeless romantic and it’s been a while since the last time, but still, man … slow down a little?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m … trying,” Anne whispered, more to himself than anyone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I said I’m trying, damn it! I’m trying, you think I’m not going over this same thing in my head all the time? But Hajun, he’s … he’s just so … I don’t know. He’s kinda dumb and so lost and doing and saying weird shit all the time, but I just can’t look away. I can’t!” Anne shrugged his shoulders, not even sure if he was explaining this to Hajun or himself. “I just feel this … this … this connection with him? And it’s not like he’s the first one, but … it’s never been </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> easy before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun ran a hand through his hair, fixing his sunglasses in the process. “Anne, serious question. Are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A pained smile flashed across Anne’s lips as he shook his head. “No … he’s a tsunami, Hajun, and I’m fucking drowning. I almost told you I don’t wanna meet up for food today because … I wanted to see if maybe, he’d come see me at work again, even though ...” Anne paused, taking a deep breath and wondering how Hajun of all people was able to put up with this. Because frankly, Anne could barely hear himself over the billion thoughts of Satsuki flying around in head, but even then, the mess coming out of his mouth right now was making him want to puke. This wasn’t like him. This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span> sorts of wrong, critically wrong even. He finished his food, taking a few moments to compose himself before finishing his sentence: “... even though there’s no way he’d come see me again this soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But would you want him to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since when do you ask redundant questions, stupid ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I guess … fine,” Hajun backed off, realizing that teasing was pointless by now, since Anne’s face was already the color of his hair, and he didn’t think it was humanly possible to turn even more red.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hajun … what do I do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean? Isn’t it obvious?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-No?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, enjoy this to the max?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“B-But … the Battles, and t-timing, a-and-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne,” Hajun sternly cut him off. “I mean it. Have fun. Be yourself. If that means being all starstruck and shit, then so what? Just roll with it. If you go off the deep end, Allen and I are gonna be there to pull you right back in a second anyway. Plus … you might be infatuated, but you’re not dumb. Trust and express your feelings, right? That’s what hip hop is all about, so … don’t hold back just because it’s all going so fast this time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re … encouraging me?” Anne asked with a doubtful tone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But … why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Hajun shrugged his shoulders. “I’m sure Allen would say something poetic about how our music is meant to prove ourselves now, but one day, it would be cool if it could also just be about expressing ourselves, and rapping about good things, not just the trauma, and so you being this stupidly happy is a great step towards that, but … you know, that’s Allen. Couldn’t be me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would it kill you to just say you’re happy for me?” Anne laughed, full of excitement despite Hajun’s shitty delivery of what was supposed to be a heartwarming piece of advice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I would literally suffocate on the spot,” Hajun grinned, reaching out to ruffle Anne’s hair. “Now, doesn’t someone have to get back to pouring martinis for his lovely accountants?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“FYI, the guys I was with before the break were architects. Totally different.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, sure. You know, one of these days we should rank different professions by how much alcohol they can take. And I wonder how high Suiseki-san is on that list ...” Hajun continued to mutter to himself in amusement as he went to pay for their food before walking Anne back to the club, even though it wasn’t exactly on the way back to the apartment. But he was getting immense enjoyment from the current state Anne was in, and he was absolutely going to milk it for all it was worth. He was, of course, genuinely happy for Anne … but also, this was all so haphazard and weird, he couldn’t help but be extremely entertained by it too.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>As Satsuki made his way through the streets back home, still sulking over his failed plan, an ever so familiar shade of pink caught the corner of his eye. He turned his head with all the haste of a small dog whose leash had just been pulled, and sure enough Anne was there: sitting by the window at the place across the street. “Oh, I guess BAE went to have dinner together? But … it’s just the two of them?” He mumbled to himself when he realized that he couldn’t see Allen anywhere, just Anne and Hajun sitting opposite each other, talking about something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Between leaving them be and going home versus walking in to say hi, he wasn’t sure why the option his feet picked was to stay frozen in place, staring at Anne through the window … but he wasn’t going to complain. It was probably better this way - he doesn’t need to push himself into all of Anne’s time, after all. He’ll just stay for a moment, maybe two, and then scurry off like he was never even there … but minutes passed, and he was still standing there, wishing he could be part of that conversation, hearing Anne’s beautiful voice up close, holding his angel in his arms, and-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His thoughts hit a sudden wall as he watched Hajun smile and reach out, tossing Anne’s hair from one side to the other. “H-Hey ...” he muttered into the bustling night around him, his words immediately swallowed by the traffic and the people walking past. His eyes were glued to the two of them, and he couldn’t help but notice that Anne was smiling, and also glowing like the sun, and also … looking at Hajun in awe? Why? Over what? What did he just say? What were they talking about? Why that look?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satsuki forced himself to look away, his gaze falling to the ground as he struggled to process whatever the fuck was going on in his head right now, and also trying to figure out why it was suddenly a little hard to breathe, and … Anne. He looked back up at the restaurant window, and as he watched the two leave their table, some risky ideas spilled out of his mouth before he could notice: “... she doesn’t look at me like that … does she?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Raise Your Confidence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Coming to the club tonight?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Satsuki lay on his bed, staring at the text on his phone and feeling a lump in his throat as he hurried to reply. <em> “Do you want me to?” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yes? Not like you gotta, but … you did last week? It’s ok if you’re busy. Saturday is still fine with me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He sighed, grinding his teeth. He did want to go see Anne, but … he still wasn’t sure what to make of what he saw on Monday. He didn’t tell anyone, of course, but he figured Reo would laugh at how pathetic he was being right now. He had that whole plan of coming to see Anne every day of the week, just to see the reaction, because he thought it would be great, but after what he saw … he wasn’t so sure anymore. What if Anne spent all breaks with Hajun? What if he wasn’t even supposed to know about it?</p><p> </p><p>On one hand, it <em> surely </em> wasn’t like that, because ... well, they lived together, and Anne called the three of them a family, and it was also Anne who asked him out in the first place, so he should be good, right? But at the same time, Hajun was tall, and spoke like 3 languages from what he could hear in BAE’s songs, and he was also really good at cooking, and had that glamorous modelling job, and … Anne <em> did </em> mention having been in love before? Was it Hajun? Did they date? Have a relationship? Is Anne keeping some secret feelings, or was there a confession that Hajun rejected? What if he was playing hard to get, and now because Anne’s dating someone else, he’s … he’s gonna swoop in and push him out of the picture? Satsuki didn’t want that version of events to be true, but he was too scared to ask about it.</p><p> </p><p>As soon as that thought crossed his mind, he suddenly sat up, realizing that <em> this </em> didn’t sound right. He shouldn’t be afraid to ask anything, in fact, he <em> has </em> to ask about this! What’s the alternative even? Running around in circles in his head like an idiot? Anne deserves better than someone who can’t even get through one awkward conversation, that’s for sure. And he already wasted more than two days feeling sorry for himself. </p><p> </p><p>Looking at the time on his phone, he realized he was way too late for Anne’s break, so he opted for the best possible remaining solution:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I’ll be there. After work.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> “Can’t wait to see you! Guess we can sneak somewhere while Zen-san cleans the club” </em> was the reply he got, and it gave him at least some hope that he wasn’t about to get his heart broken tonight.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>~~~</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Anne-kun, could you fetch me a mop from storage?”</p><p>Pausing the counting of bottles behind the bar counter, Anne tried his best not to laugh. “Zen-san, at least when the boss set me up like this, he didn’t ask me to get something he was already holding.”</p><p>“Ahh … darn it,” Zen muttered, looking at the mop in his hand which he totally forgot was there. “Sorry, it’s been a long day. Honestly don’t know how I’ll survive tomorrow, 4 days are long enough of a work week as it is.”</p><p>“Now, now, Fridays are the most fun!”</p><p>“With the most troublemakers to throw out too. So, you going or not?”</p><p>“Yup, just gotta finish this first. Not like the mop’s gonna go anywhere, right?”</p><p>“Right,” Zen chuckled and continued wiping the floors. ”I’m really glad you two have, uhm, found each other. He seems really happy. And you too … right?”</p><p>“Oh, absolutely. Hey, now that I think of it, how come you didn’t nudge me in his direction before? Seems like something you or the boss would do, for fun if nothing else.”</p><p>“Eh, it’s kinda complicated ...” Zen paused, trying to find words that wouldn’t accidentally be offensive about a topic he frankly really didn’t know much about. “We kinda knew he liked you, Reo-kun teased him about it all the time, you know how they are … but Satsuki-kun didn’t actually, uhm … come out until <em> after </em> you two started dating. Not to us, at least.”</p><p>“Aww, that’s actually pretty cute. I just assumed you guys knew he was gay, since you’re all so close.”</p><p>“Oh, he’s definitely not gay, he’s into girls for sure. We just didn’t know he was also officially into guys, that was the thing,” Zen hurried to explain, hoping there was no misunderstanding.</p><p>“Oh, I see. Thanks for letting me know, I guess I never really asked him. I just assumed, since when he heard about my ex girlfriend, he looked like the concept hadn't even crossed his mind.”</p><p>“I think that was more about <em> you </em> being into both.”</p><p>“Yeah, he said as much. Apparently, I come across as 100% gay! Who would have thought ... ”</p><p>“Many people, I’d say. I also, uh, got that impression ... until we saw your ex.”</p><p>Anne shrugged his shoulders, closing the last of the drawers. “I suppose I do attract only a specific demographic of ladies; most aren’t into this style. Who cares though ... fuck gender norms.”</p><p>“You seem to be doing a great job at that,” Zen threw out the much deserved compliment.</p><p>Anne gave him a sweet smile, graciously flipping his hair behind his shoulder. “Aww, Zen-san, thank you.”</p><p>“Nah, thank you … for taking care of Satsuki-kun. I’m sure the way you’re so great at being yourself is also helping him find out who he is. I was really proud of him when he came out, you should have seen that … just walked into the kitchen and said you two were dating now, to all four of us! I just hope we reacted the way he expected … no one ever came out to me before, I was so nervous.”</p><p>“You’re all too kind, I’m sure you did great! Well, guess I shouldn’t keep him waiting any longer. Can you empty the register once you’re done with the floor?”</p><p>“No problem. I’ll take the stuff to the office, you go have fun.”</p><p> </p><p>Waving goodbye, Anne walked to the storage room, poking his head through to see Satsuki sitting on a stack of beer crates. “Hi, babe! I almost thought I wouldn’t get to see you until the weekend,” he complained with a fake pout, finding just enough space to sit next to him.</p><p>“Sorry about that … I got caught up in something,” Satsuki admitted, reaching to intertwine their fingers as Anne’s head came to rest on his shoulder.</p><p>“Ah, that’s fine. I’m sorry if I was too pushy … you didn’t <em> have </em> to come here, you know? I know it’s late and all. And I really would be okay with just seeing you on Saturday!”</p><p>“No, I wanted to come … thanks for bugging me about it,” he answered, his mouth lingering open and at a loss for what to say next.</p><p>“Satsu? What’s wrong?” Anne asked, softly nudging the side of his face. “You know you can tell me anything.”</p><p>Satsuki sighed, nodding slowly. “Well … you know when you talked about being in love, and breaking up, and stuff?”</p><p>“Yeah. What about it?”</p><p>“Ehm … was it, uhm … is it Hajun?”</p><p>Anne lifted his head, looking at Satsuki with furrowed brows. “Not sure I follow. Is Hajun what?”</p><p>“W-Were you- I mean, are you i-in love with him?”</p><p>Leaning away to get a better look at his face, Anne stared with his mouth hanging open, waiting for some indication that this was supposed to be a joke - but there was none. “Excuse me, what the fuck?”</p><p>“I-I’m s-sorry, I shouldn’t h-have-” Satsuki immediately tried to backtrack, averting his gaze.</p><p>Anne shook his head, raising his hands: “No, no, Satsu, hey, look at me … I’m not mad, I’m just flabbergasted as to where the hell this came from. I’m not in love with Hajun. I never was. The idea never even crossed my mind. For fuck’s sake, he’s like a brother to me, and completely intorellable too, are you kidding me? Him? Romantically? Not a chance in hell, nope. <em> Absolutely </em> not my type. The only time I look at him with any kind of non-platonic interest is when he’s bringing me food, that’s about it. So <em> where </em>on Earth did you get this idea from?”</p><p>“It’s n-nothing, r-really ...”</p><p>“Oh no, darling, you don’t get to “nothing” your way out of this. I thought you said you weren’t jealous, what happened with that? Dozens of clients every day at the club is not a problem, but <em> Hajun </em>is where you draw the line? Why??”</p><p>“Because-” words burst out of Satsuki, but he quickly bit his tongue, figuring he should at least try to formulate his misgivings into an actual sentence first. He sighed, clutching his hands into fists. “Fuck, this is hard.”</p><p>“Your mess, dear. I’m afraid I don’t know how to read minds yet,” Anne joked, resting his open palms on top of Satsuki’s fists. “But I do know how to be patient until you figure out what it is that you want to tell me.”</p><p>“It’s so uncool too ...”</p><p>“Since when have I cared,” Anne encouraged him, leaving that more as a statement rather than a question.</p><p>“Okay, so … after I got home from our last date, I realized I want to see more of you this week, and I told Zen-nii about it, and then he gave me the shift schedules so I could like, actually show up when you have a break so I don’t get in your way at work. But then I got here on Monday, and … I couldn’t find you.”</p><p>Anne nodded along, thinking back to where he was on Monday.</p><p>“And, well, big bro said you probably went out to eat somewhere, and it made me feel kinda dumb because … I don’t know, I just thought I’d show up here out of nowhere every day unannounced and you’d be just sitting around doing nothing, but obviously that’s not the case, so … I was just gonna go back home, and I figured I should text to ask if you have any plans tomorrow, but then … I saw you two at that burger place on the way to the bus station.”</p><p>“I don’t think I follow anymore. You saw us having dinner together? We live together, how is that-”</p><p>“But he touched your hair, and you were smiling, and you had that … that dreamy look on your face, and … of course I got jealous!”</p><p>Anne shook his head, rolling his eyes as he took a deep breath and prayed to whatever higher power was out there for the strength to get this derailed mess back on track. Exhaling slowly, he let go of Satsuki’s hands and cupped his cheeks instead, so that when he’d inevitably realize how dumb he was being, he wouldn’t be able to take the easy way out and look away. “Satsu … you are being an <em> unbelievable </em> level of idiot right now.”</p><p>“I-I am?”</p><p>“Yes. 110% pure concentrated idiot. The hair thing? Hajun being a patronizing little shit. He does it all the time. There was <em> zero </em> romance in that, he was essentially telling me he finds me amusing.”</p><p>“... but what about, uhm, everything else?”</p><p>“We were talking about you, Satsu. Well, <em> I </em> was talking, Hajun was mostly just absorbing info.”</p><p>“You … what?”</p><p>“I was gushing to him about how great you are and how much I like you and how I can’t wait to see you again. And how I’m kinda scared because … because this is all so amazing, and happening so fast, and it sometimes feels like I’ve lost my mind. That’s why I was smiling like a maniac - <em> you </em> do that to me, Satsu. All the time.”</p><p>“S-So … <em> all that </em> was because of m-me?” Satsuki reiterated, trying to determine whether he was feeling mortified or relieved, or some combination of both.</p><p>“Yes. Not related to Hajun what so fucking ever. I could have been talking to a lamp post and I would have looked the same, because it was about <em> you </em>.”</p><p>“Well … shit.”</p><p>Anne let go of his face, catching hold of his hands again. “Yeah, I have <em> no idea </em> what mess your mind cooked up here.”</p><p>“I … I thought you guys had something once, and now that you were dating me, he wanted you back and … I’d lose you.”</p><p>“Even if that were the case, why would you lose me?” Anne asked, still struggling to understand Satsuki’s thought process.</p><p>“Because … he’s better than me? Smarter, taller, has more money, and … he’s not just a kid like me.”</p><p>“You’re just 2 years apart, that’s barely a game changer,” Anne muttered, scratching the side of his face to keep himself from slamming his head into the wall in frustration. “But that’s beside the point, I mean … Satsu, what the fuck … what the actual fuck? Do you have, like, no self-esteem whatsoever?”</p><p>“N-Not for this, I don’t … I never thought anyone would want to date me, much less <em> you </em>! I have no idea what I’m doing half the time, I always feel like someone else could do this better, and … what if you decide that you don’t wanna see me for another date again?? I’m trying, but … it’s hard, and I guess seeing you with Hajun just … dug some things up. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Ah, what a mess,” Anne muttered, pulling Satsuki into a hug. “But I guess it’s partially my fault too.”</p><p>“What? How is any of this your fault?”</p><p>“Because I thought this would be just for fun, and I didn’t do my part in acknowledging that wasn’t actually the case at all, not since like … the second date,” Anne explained. “I mean, I <em> told </em> you, kinda … but I didn’t really act on it at all. So let me fix this, okay?”</p><p>“Fix what?” Satsuki mumbled, watching as Anne hopped off the crates they’d been sitting on and stood in front of him, still holding his hands.</p><p>“Satsu … thank you for telling me this. I really appreciate that you didn’t just let it fester in your head until it got worse. So can you please be honest with me just a little bit more?”</p><p>“S-Sure?”</p><p>“I know you said yes to something casual and fun when I first asked you out, and I know this is the exact opposite, but … would you want us to have something long term and serious too?”</p><p>Satsuki’s jaw dropped faster than stocks in a recession as he stared up at Anne, trying to understand why he was being asked something so obvious. “Yes? Absolutely?”</p><p>Blushing slightly, Anne looked at their hands, tightly clutching Satsuki’s so he couldn’t notice that his own were shaking quite a bit right now. “Then … would you want to be my boyfriend?”</p><p> </p><p>Before he knew it, Satsuki was on his feet too, hugging Anne like crazy, and repeating the same over and over again: “Yes. Yes, yes, yes! Absolutely yes!”</p><p>Anne couldn’t stop himself from laughing, but in all honesty - he didn’t want to. All he wanted was to let it all out, to let the whole world know how happy he was, even if it meant the boss finding the two of them laughing like deranged hyenas in the storage room. “Ah, Satsu … you idiot.”</p><p>“<em> Your </em> idiot,” Satsuki issued a correction, the widest grin ever stuck on his face.</p><p>“Oh god … you’re <em> that </em> type? Fuck, what have I gotten myself into ...”</p><p>“You don’t look upset at all.”</p><p>“Well, I am. Like, very. Better kiss me quick to make it better!”</p><p>“As you wish,” Satsuki whispered, leaning closer before stopping and pulling away again. He brought up one of his hands, pushing away the usual elusive strands of hair before resting his fingers on the side of Anne’s face, their eyes locked the entire time. “Anne ...”</p><p>“Satsu?”</p><p>“Thank you ...”</p><p>“What for? Finally having the balls to admit I’m way past “casual” with you? Being selfish and keeping you all to myself? Taking away your chance to ask me the same thing, if that’s what you wanted to do?”</p><p>Satsuki laughed, shaking his head: “Yea, but I wouldn’t have had the courage. Not for another few months at least.”</p><p>“Hmm … ya know, something tells me I could have waited.”</p><p>“But I’m glad you didn’t. Thank you … for just grabbing my worries and throwing them out the window. I can’t do that alone.”</p><p>“Good thing you’re not alone anymore then,” Anne smiled, pressing a kiss against his lips.</p><p>“Yea. Good thing. Great thing. Best fucking thing of my entire life,” Satsuki agreed, returning Anne’s affection in dozens of kisses, each deeper than the last. He knew that they couldn’t stay long anymore, that Iori would probably come around to lock up any time now, but alas … it was Anne. Every second mattered. Every second was the best second he’s ever lived through.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Scenery We Painted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“1013, 1014, 1015, ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aaarghh, done!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zen paused his pushups, startled by Satsuki’s sudden scream. “What? Didn’t we say 1030 this time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, I got them all!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? When?? How am I 15 behind?! Shame on me! Just watch, I’ll be done in no time … 1016, 1017, 1018 ...” Once he finished and stood up to stretch, he noticed that instead of sitting down and resting, Satsuki was running laps around him - slowly, but still!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zen-nii, isn’t this the 2nd time I ended mine first this week? Can we make a bet tomorrow?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. Though, Satsuki-kun? Not to intrude on your personal business, but … what exactly </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>48 feeding you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lots of stuff! Pizza on the weekends, cause he’s too lazy to make anything else when he’s drunk. But if it’s not the weekend, then really anything goes. Yesterday, we had something that had </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> meat in it!</span>
  <em>
    <span> Zero</span>
  </em>
  <span> meat in the main dish, Zen-nii! I thought he was making fun of me, but it was actually pretty decent. Why? Want me to get some recipes for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No- I mean, if you could, that would be amazing, but that’s not what I was after! I was just curious, since you seem to have a lot more energy lately. Though, uh, I suppose ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha? Ah no, that’s got nothing to do with food, it’s all Anne’s fault!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I figured. It’s been what now, two weeks since you made it official?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Three!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, already? Huh, time really does fly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right?! I wish it would stop, I never get enough time with Anne ...” Satsuki lightheartedly complained, following Zen back into the house and to the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, to be young and in love,” Zen lamented on the way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha?? Zen-nii, you’re plenty young! What has Reo been saying to you?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing, Satsuki-kun, nothing. Youth is fine, it’s the “love” part that’s the problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki’s eyes lit up at the prospect of being able to lend a supportive shoulder to Zen, for once. “If it’s not a problem for me, then it has no reason being a problem for you! Do you need some dating advice?!” He made the offer before he even realized what he was saying, and he immediately hoped that Reo was still asleep, or else he was sure he had an onslaught of jokes coming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hah, I appreciate it,” Zen laughed, setting up the kitchen counter to start making lunch. “But I don’t think I could quite use your advice, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki nodded, even though he actually didn’t know what he meant at all. Maybe it was because it was actually Reo who set Satsuki up in the first place? Or maybe Zen liked older girls?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not even sure I want to know what you’re thinking with that look on your face,” Zen sighed while sharpening his knife.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-Nothing!! Anyway, let me help!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, you can get started on the carrots. By the way, I was thinking … BAE’s been having you over all the time, don’t you think it’s time we repay the favor?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean like, you could invite Anne-kun over here too, right? I was thinking we could even invite all three of them for dinner, don’t you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? You’d cook for them too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t see why not? Like I said, you’re there an awful lot these days … plus, what’s 3 more people at the table anyway?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You say so now, but Allen- I mean Suzaku eats like a horse!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that in quantity, or manner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never mind, never mind … just horsing around!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki took his eyes off the carrots he was peeling for just a moment, squinting at Zen: “I feel like something is going over my head here again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, nothing like that,” Zen turned away, hiding his silly smile. As much as he scolded Reo for it, he had to admit - teasing Satsuki was kinda fun. Of course, only in very small and very harmless doses! He would never overdo it, of course not. “Anyway … Allen, huh? Seems like you’ve made some proper friends there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, they’re great,” Satsuki nodded, smiling softly. “Like family number two!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad we’re number one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously! Akan Yatsura is </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> number one! And Zen-nii, you’re the number one of the number one!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That … makes no sense, Satsuki-kun. Are you failing math again? And I’m sure you’re only saying that since I’m making you food right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe … on the food thing, not the math! Math is fine … I think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It better be! So, when do your dear friends have time to show their pretty faces around here? Would tomorrow work?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll ask, but I think so! Let me call An-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oi, finish the carrots first!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, right … sorry,” Satsuki mumbled, picking up the knife he dropped on the counter. “I just got really excited.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Zen laughed, shaking his head. “Young and in love, hmm … young and in love.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>This</span>
  </em>
  <span> is AKYR’s house? Whoa! It’s huge! They must be loaded,” Allen marveled as the three of them arrived at their destination.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Surely not, look at how old it is. Anne, are you sure this is a dinner invitation and </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a ploy to kidnap us and harvest our livers?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu would never!” Anne insisted, brushing off their shenanigans. “And besides, did you two </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> yourselves last weekend? Who’d want your livers, they’re probably already dead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ouch, rude. I’m surprised you even heard us come home, I assumed you and Gaia were in the middle of something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne rolled his eyes. “For the record, we were having a great time making out, but then one of you ruined the mood by laughing like a cow on helium in the living room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you looking at me for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hajun, I think he’s blaming you for it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, I don’t think so! I was perfectly somber, you were the one hiccuping about that … that possum gif, or whatever it was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two are impossible. Both of you,” Anne insisted, knocking on the house doors as they waited at the entrance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You hear that, Allen? I feel like the frequency of these complaints has increased significantly with the advent of this relationship! Could it be that we are third wheeling?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> be third wheeling, idiot. Anne, maybe you could use some more sound insulation in your room? I’ve got these great boards-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those foam things you’ve stuck to your walls? Yuck! That would </span>
  <em>
    <span>totally</span>
  </em>
  <span> ruin the aesthetic of my room. I rather listen to your drunken laughter, thank you very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whose drunken laughter? Have they been clubbing again?” Satsuki’s voice sounded out from inside the house before he opened the door. “Hi guys! Come in, I’m so excited you’re here, gaaah!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can tell,” Hajun smiled, patting Satsuki on the head. “So, I assume the kitchen is in the general direction of the ruckus?” He asked, taking off his shoes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yea, just through there,” Satuski mumbled, reaching to fix his hair and hoping Hajun didn’t just mess up his minimal efforts of looking good this evening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cool. Allen, come on, let’s go make a grand entrance! Maybe we can swindle your part time boss to give you a raise … or to give me a family discount for the drinks. Would be about time now, don’t you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne sighed, looking at Satsuki with pity in his eyes: “Told you they’d be a handful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, it’s fine. Anyway … how’s my angel doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww, Satsuuu. You’re so cute,” Anne glossed over the question, making sure to hug him first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I call you that all the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re cute all the time, it checks out! I’m good, by the way … I finished my work for Saimon-sensei’s class this morning! So I’m all yours for the weekend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Awesome,” Satsuki answered, feeling the same sense of happiness as he always did when Anne would bend school work around their dates. It felt so nice to be the focus of someone’s time planning! Really, relationships were just the best. With that in mind, he gave Anne a quick kiss, which would probably devolve into something more soon if it weren’t for Reo’s annoying cough coming from the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Akhm, akhm, would the love monkeys </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> join the rest of us while the food is still warm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, we’ll be right there,” Satsuki answered, flashing a big fat grin at Reo while his arms still rested around Anne’s hips.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Monkeys?” Anne asked in confusion as Reo disappeared back into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, uh, yea. Long story.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it? You do kinda look like a monkey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great,” Satsuki scratched his head. “Not you too!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just kidding, babe. Now, the food?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But of course, your majesty, follow your dear monkey peasant to the feast hall!” Satsuki joked, taking Anne’s hand and heading for the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so silly, Satsu ...” Anne mumbled to himself. “I love it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki then spent an excruciatingly long amount of time hoping that Hokusai wouldn’t run out of cat pictures that he wanted Anne to see, because the alternative seemed to be Reo showing off whatever embarrassing photos he had of Satsuki - like the time he walked into a broom, or set the toaster on fire, or drooled in his sleep, or got a bit too invested into one of those dumb otome games and cried when he finally got the good ending, or choked on whatever spicy concoction of death Ryuu managed to trick him into eating that one time. And those were just the photos he knew existed! He absolutely didn’t want to take any chances with what else Reo might have in his arsenal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Feeling he might be safe for at least a while longer, he looked over to the other end of the table, where Zen was enthusiastically trying to drag Allen into the muscle training cult. Satsuki couldn’t blame him, really: he noted a long time ago that compared to himself or Zen, both guys from BAE were like walking sticks. He gave Hajun a pass though, because he had that modelling job, and who knows what high fashion is like these days? But Allen?! Yea, Allen could definitely do with some extra muscle mass. Maybe he’d want to go to the gym with him and Zen sometime? He should ask him later, or maybe Zen already has the same idea …</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Speaking of Hajun though, where was he? And now that he looked around, big bro was gone too? “Seriously, when did those two sneak out ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Boss and Hajun? Like, 10 minutes ago” Anne answered his question, looking up from Hokusai’s phone with a smile. “They even said they’ll be in Suiseki-san’s room if we need them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ahaha, really? Guess I wasn’t paying attention.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not, if you’ve been sneaking glances at me all this time!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wha- ha??! Have not!” Satsuki protested, a little offended to learn that he wasn’t as sneaky as he thought he was being.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... but since I’m bringing it up, it also means I’ve been looking at you too, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne laughed, seeing the blush on Satsuki’s cheeks as a sign of victory. “Ah, how cute. Are you two seeing this?” He nudged both Reo and Hokusai, still looking at Satsuki with a devilish grin. “Isn’t my boyfriend just the </span>
  <em>
    <span>absolute</span>
  </em>
  <span> cutest thing in the world?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reo vehemently shook his head, making a horrified grimace. “Not in a million years!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm ...” Hokusai pondered, looking from Anne to Satsuki and back again. “Anne-chan, when you look at Satsuki, is it like looking at a cat?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha? Oh, you mean the way </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> would look at a cat? Yes, absolutely, it is </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> like that! Whenever I see him, I get so happy and I wanna pat his head immediately, and I just think he’s the most precious thing I could ever look at!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki buried his face in his hands, hitting his forehead against the table. “Anne, please, you’re killing me here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ya’ll should get. A. Room,” Reo announced with dramatic claps between words. “But maybe not your room, since it’s right next to mine, and I would kindly like to remind you that the walls are </span>
  <em>
    <span>thin</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and I have good hearing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, is that so? Don’t worry, Reo-kun, we’ll make sure to keep things nice and quiet. Won’t we, babe?” Anne asked with an air of innocence, but trying hard not to laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki quickly looked over at Zen in panic to make sure he didn’t hear that, but luckily, he seemed to be safe. He wasn’t sure exactly what conversation he’d have coming later otherwise. “P-Please don’t fill Reo’s head with any, uh, w-wrong ideas!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne opened his mouth, on the verge of making a joke about how Satsuki’s actually pretty loud when they’re kissing, with saying his name over and over again and whatnot, but he bit his tongue before any of it came out. He figured he’d probably want to keep that part just to himself, though in all fairness, he suspected Allen might have a clue or two about it already, despite the soundproofing on his side of the wall. “Anyway, Reo-kun has a point, you know? You should show me your room!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it gets me out of here right now? Gladly!” Satsuki almost jumped up, reaching for Anne’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoops, looks like I’m being swept away by my prince charming now! Hokusai-kun, do you wanna save my address and send me the rest of the cats later? We can make a group chat with the other guys too, if you want!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne-chan wants to be cat buddies with me?” Hokusai asked, wide-eyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely! Cats are so cute … ah, that reminds me, I have this hair tie with little cats on it, it’s adorable. I’ll send you a picture!” Anne continued to gush as he saved his contact in Hokusai’s phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I sense this might have </span>
  <em>
    <span>cat</span>
  </em>
  <span>astrophic consequences for your average amount of daily notifications,” Satsuki added while waiting.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hahaha, Satsu, that was a good one. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cat</span>
  </em>
  <span>astrophic, guys, get it? Because of the cats?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hokusai nodded happily, while Reo just stared dumbfounded as Satsuki led Anne out of the kitchen. “Did … did he really genuinely laugh at that?” He asked once they were safely out of earshot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yikes. Wow. I am legit worried now. What has Satsuki done to him??”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dunno,” Hokusai answered uninterested, already picking which pictures to send to Anne. “But I hope that one day, someone will say I’m their cat when they look at me too. That was very cute.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh come on, not you too … Zen-nii, please knock some sense into him before I get diabetes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But much to Reo’s dismay, Zen was already slightly drunk, and too engrossed in explaining macronutrients to Allen to hear anything else happening around them at the moment.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. I Don’t Want To Leave, Forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Wow, look at all this stuff! Is this where you get all your beef from?” Anne smiled, already trying to pick up one of the many weights scattered around the room before Satsuki was even able to close the door. “Damn, it’s heavy!! Or maybe, it’s just me and my noodle arms ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know what you’re talking about, baby. You’re perfect. Just don’t get into any fights or anything, okay?” Satsuki hugged Anne from behind, happily slipping into the role of overly-protective boyfriend. “Now gimme that, that one is </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> pretty heavy, I’m surprised you can just hold it up like that,” he followed up, taking the weight from Anne’s hand and putting it back on his desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I’m not all looks, you know? I have some muscles too, somewhere ...” Anne mumbled, curiously poking at his biceps.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, most of them on your heart or somewhere near there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that like, a fun anatomy fact, or are you trying to compliment me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not both?” Satsuki asked, pulling Anne back into his arms and pressing their foreheads together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I have it on good authority that you’re horrible with at least one of those two,” Anne answered honestly, drilling his index finger into Satsuki’s chest. “And sometimes, in fact, you suck at both.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bully,” Satsuki whispered in retaliation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me? No, I would never, babe, how dare you accuse me of such atro-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Anne could make fun of him any more, Satsuki leaned in for a kiss, maybe staying a bit longer than he intended to … but damn, he loved doing this so much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they slowly pulled apart, Anne stared at him with the biggest smile on his face, reaching out to softly mess up his hair just a tiny bit. “I don’t even get to say my lines anymore now? Bad kitten, Satsu, bad kitten.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh I think you’ve said plenty of these lines back there already. Is there no rest for the wicked tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was I too much?” Anne asked, suddenly afraid that maybe, he did get too comfortable and said too much after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not really … I’m just teasing, baby.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! And here I was, all worried ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looks like someone can’t take it that well when the tables are turned, aye?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up and kiss me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm, I dunno about that,” Satsuki grinned. “And speaking of turning tables … say, Anne, how are you with being pushed around?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne shook his head, rolling his eyes. “In </span>
  <em>
    <span>any</span>
  </em>
  <span> circumstances involving you? Fuck yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And not a moment later, they ended up on Satsuki’s bed as promised. Anne closed his eyes, leaning his head back on the pillow and taking in the room once more. “Ahh .. is this what being at my place is like for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean … everything smells like you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that, yea. That’s definitely a big perk of your room. I thought I was gonna die the first time I was in there, my heart was going so fast!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not gonna lie, that’s pretty relatable right now,” Anne confessed, snuggling closer and moving his head to Satsuki’s chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re too cute,” Satsuki sighed, kissing the top of Anne’s head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too, obviously.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They cuddled in silence for a while before Satsuki thought of something else to get off his mind. “Anne … are you happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right now? Sure!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I meant with me ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Happiest I’ve ever been,” Anne answered without a moment’s hesitation. “Are all my texts telling you the same thing getting lost somewhere?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-No, but … it’s still nice to hear, even if many times.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, not like I plan to stop bringing it up any time soon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope I’m not being annoying with this ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not at all,” Anne took his hand, intertwining their fingers. “You’re not looking at Hajun like you want to wipe him off the face of the earth, so that’s progress already as far as I’m concerned.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You make it sound worse than it was. I was just a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> jealous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For no reason at all, still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah … those head pats really are entirely patronizing. I see that now that I’ve actually gotten some.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“True! But they’re also a sign of acceptance, so be proud. Hajun likes you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fucking honored,” Satsuki sighed, struggling to keep a straight face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! Don’t diss my friends like that,” Anne chuckled silently. “Only I’m allowed to do that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure … you’re free to make fun of Reo anytime though! Just making it clear from the start, that’s a free-for-all type deal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aw, poor thing ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Poor thing? He’s absolutely vicious! Don’t let that cute face fool you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What cute face? You think I bothered looking at someone else when you were right there for me to stare at?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shush … idiot. You were staring at me the whole time then? What was the point of meeting the rest of the guys then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cat pics, obviously? Hokusai is amazing! He has a whole collection, and they’re sorted by color, size and pose! He’s even tagged some with names ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you were into pets?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not really … but cats are cute! That’s just, the universal truth of life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … noted. I’ll look at more cat pictures from now on, then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nice,” Anne whispered, smiling softly as he listened to the steady sound of Satsuki’s heartbeat. “Hey, you know what I’ve been thinking about? Let’s say Reo didn’t set you up with me - would you still come to ask me out eventually?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I, uhm … yeah, I would. But I wanted to be better first! I didn’t know I was good enough already, so … I was gonna do it after we won.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And if you wouldn’t win?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ehh .. that would be, uhm ...” Satsuki bit his lip, trying to imagine the blow that would deal to his confidence; </span>
  <em>
    <span>especially</span>
  </em>
  <span> if they’d lose to BAE. “Fuck, I actually don’t even wanna think about it,” he uttered finally, instinctively tightening his grip around Anne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither,” Anne answered, nudging the nape of Satsuki’s neck. “I’m so happy with you. I don’t want to think about a world where this doesn’t happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, good thing that world doesn’t exist anymore. And I hope it will never exist again either! I’ll do my best to stay with you for as long as possible … or is that like, too cheesy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, that’s just being a good boyfriend. And you’re a great one! So kind and caring and funny and sweet and … just everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look who’s talking. Where do you think I get my motivation from?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne pulled back, propping himself up with one hand so that he could look at his boyfriend’s dumb cute adorable smiling face in its fully glory. “I don’t know, hmm … could it be from me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely, my sunshine,” Satsuki answered the joke in earnest, reaching out to touch the side of Anne’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning into the warmth, Anne wanted to close his eyes again, wanted to just get lost in Satsuki’s touch and these stupid butterflies in his stomach … but that would mean losing sight of the most gorgeous thing he’s ever had the pleasure of looking at, it would mean looking away from those trusting saffron eyes just gazing up at him like they’re seeing the whole universe collide and explode in the space between the two of them, and … he didn’t want that. And as much as he always made fun of Satsuki for tripping over his own words, he kinda got it now; there were so many things he wanted to say in the same breath, so many things to fill the silence between them. He felt like there was no way to possibly say them all, but he suddenly so desperately wanted to get them all out anyway, and his mouth totally jumped the gun on that one. “Satsu, I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki tilted his head, waiting for Anne to finish the sentence … but nothing was coming out. “What is it, baby?” He finally asked, smiling wide at how lovingly Anne was looking at him, teeth sinking into the bottom lip and eyes sparkling just a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I … I think you’re pretty cool!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So are you,” Satsuki laughed at the mismatch between the intensity of Anne’s expression, and the silly words that actually ended up coming out. “Now get over here, would you?” He suggested playfully, already pulling Anne closer, entangling both of them in another kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne gave in without a second thought, but with Satsuki’s hands gently stroking his back, his lips always giving more than they dared to take, his soft sighs and the way he called Anne’s name in that low, quiet, precious tone … Anne now really wished that he had just thrown caution to the wind and said what he actually wanted to say earlier.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it wasn’t that big of a deal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Surely, there would be infinitely many chances left to tell Satsuki how he felt about him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was really no need to rush any of this.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Is This Mercy? It Is Not.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“When’s the last time Anne went out with us on a Friday night even?” Allen asked, leaning against the wall in their hallway, staring into the bathroom where Hajun was hogging the mirror and trying on the 4th pair of glasses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure, does last week’s hangout at AKYR count?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Technically, I guess, but I meant like, clubs.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well, what can be done? They grow up so fast, next thing we know our lovebirds will be moving into a quaint little apartment together, and then you’ll be stuck here with me, all alone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you making it sound like that’s a bad thing? You’re a cool roommate, and we could turn Anne’s room into a studio.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And have your stuff scattered over </span>
  <em>
    <span>two </span>
  </em>
  <span>rooms? Uh oh, I don’t think so, young man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what would you use it for? More empty wallpaper?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well of course, Allen, not all of us are as materialistic as yourself. There is so much to be learned from a clutterless room that the likes of you will never know!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are literally doing this on purpose. I can </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> you smirking in the mirror.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, I have been caught at last,” Hajun turned around, grinning wide. “How’s this look, by the way?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck if I know, ask Anne. Are you hitting on me or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun grinned even wider, eyeing Allen from head to toe for an uncomfortable amount of time before shaking his head: “No, I am afraid guys are </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> not my thing. Such a shame too, I’m sure there have been many missed opportunities on account of me being straight. You, of course, are not one of them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for the clarification, man. Really appreciated. Any more comments on how undateable I am?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, jokes aside, we do seem to be getting more attention from the ladies when Anne isn’t with us,” Hajun changed the topic, chuckling to himself. “He’s many things, but I didn’t think chick repellant was one of them!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess it makes sense,” Allen mumbled, scratching his neck. “Like, I suppose if someone thinks he’s a girl … I can see how that would keep girls away. Hmm, do you think that he’s like, intimidatingly pretty as a girl or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally deciding on which sunglasses to wear, Hajun left the bathroom with an unsightly grimace on his face. “Allen. Please, do not ask me to imagine such weird things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ehh? What weird things? You started it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Started what?” Anne’s voice sounded out from behind the front door, together with the noise of keys dangling around before the door opened to reveal Anne in the utmost best spirits, followed by Satsuki with a couple shopping bags in each hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing!” both culprits replied in unison.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne clicked his tongue, kicking off his heels and putting away his jacket. “Satsu, see these faces? This right now is like, exhibit A of them trash-talking me right before we got here. Next time, remind me to stop at the door and eavesdrop for a bit!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For the record, I was upkeeping your dignity at all times,” Hajun attempted to absolve himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, no, </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> was the one starting with that dumb shit in the first place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span> dumb shit?” Anne repeated his question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ahh, fine. And here I was, thinking you wouldn’t drink before going out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allen shot Hajun a quick glance to inquire if they are, indeed, going to wiggle out of this by blaming it on pre-party drinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun nodded slightly, and so they both accepted the offered out, saying their goodbyes and leaving gracefully - but not before conducting their regularly scheduled poking at Satsuki, of course.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have fun, kids - we’ll be gone for a </span>
  <em>
    <span>long</span>
  </em>
  <span> time!” Allen winked at him, patting his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And once we do come back in the early hours of the morning, I promise to leash him before he accidentally walks in on you two again,” Hajun followed up on Satsuki’s other shoulder before heading out the door, high fiving Allen on the way for one more successful instance of turning Satsuki the color of a ripe tangerine. He was so, so damn fun to tease!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne locked the door behind them, shaking his head. “Kids? What kids? They’re the ones acting like two immature fucks, if anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your cute lil red face says otherwise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“W-well, yea, but that’s b-because-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh ...” Anne whispered, stepping closer to Satsuki and pressing a finger against his lips. “I love it when you get all shy like this. Maybe I owe the guys one for making you blush for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki swallowed nervously, trying to calm his stupid racing heart. “Y-You seem to be doing just f-fine on your own too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh?” Anne smiled, his hand slipping down to Satsuki’s neck, slowly messing around with the strands of hair behind his ear. “Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Satsuki answered without breaking eye contact, secretly enjoying what seemed to be like a challenge of how much heat he could take before losing his cool. He was pretty close to the limit, but still - this was absolutely exhilarating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, look at you ...” Anne whispered, leaning closer as he took hold of Satsuki’s hands. “Not even giving me time to take you to my room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the same second, Satsuki found his back pushed against the wall, his wrists pinned on either side of his head, and his lips stolen by Anne in a similarly feverish haste. This was far from the first such maneuver being pulled on him in the past month, and to be honest, he never imagined being on </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> side of things. Anne was so effortless with this. Was he supposed to take these moments as an invitation to do the same? Was he supposed to learn something from this? Did Anne want to be swept away like this? That’s how it should have been … right? If he weren’t such a klutz with all of this, </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> should be the one taking the lead and doing things like this … right? But at the same time, he felt almost guilty for being happy about his lack of experience, because as much as he was afraid to admit it, he was over the fucking moon when Anne did things like this with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that’s why he decided he wasn’t gonna waste this moment on these stupid thoughts. He could ask Anne later. They could talk about it. Just like everything else. Right now, he just wanted to get lost in this kiss, wanted to wrap his arms around Anne … but his hands were still pinned to the wall, and any resistance proved futile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne pulled away from the kiss slowly, smiling devilishly: “Hmmm? Satsu, are you trying to wrestle yourself out of my loving embrace?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No … I’m trying to hold you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mmm, too bad! I’m not letting you,” Anne laughed, stepping away and picking up the shopping bags from the floor. “After all, I still have to take these to my room first. This one too!” He added, tapping Satsuki’s nose with his index finger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This one can take himself, no worries,” Satsuki added, smiling like a puppy on his first day in the snow as he followed Anne to the room. He jumped on the bed, sinking into the comfy scent all around him as he watched Anne unpack the haul from their afternoon shopping trip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I taking too long, dear?” Anne asked, stacking clothes onto his desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not at all,” Satsuki sighed, shaking his head. “I could watch you all day. Multiple days, probably.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s so cute … but close your eyes for a moment, would you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“With much regret, I shall.” Satsuki followed through on the request, his eyelids fluttering just a little bit when he felt Anne’s body move closer to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne took his sweet time looking at Satsuki with a dreamy smile, his fingers tracing the edges of his jaw, stopping on the tip of his chin, carefully reaching for his lips once more. “Fuck, you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not even looking at me, dummy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So?” Satuski asked, his eyes still closed as he caught Anne’s hand, gently kissing the fingertips teasing at his lips. “I could go blind for the rest of my life, and I’d still remember what a breathtaking angel you are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Breathtaking, huh?” Anne whispered, his index finger stopping in the middle of Satsuki’s bottom lip, tugging ever so slightly. “Guess I have to live up to my reputation, then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki opened his eyes, seeing himself face to face with Anne whose eyes were in a soft daze, focused entirely on his lips. “Please do. I don’t need air when I’m with you. Just kiss me, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm … I will,” Anne answered, bringing their lips together for a few short moments. “I’ll kiss you over and over again. Even if you wouldn’t ask. Because I-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without the slightest idea of where that was going, Satsuki impatiently took matters into his own hands, continuing the kiss on his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Anne once again found himself with way too many words, but no timing to pour them into. Not like it was particularly hard though; to forget all that for a moment, to just follow Satsuki’s kisses, to get lost with the guy he was so wildly into … it wasn’t hard at all, and it was the best thing Anne’s ever felt. The rest could wait.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>An hour, or two, or maybe three later, Anne found himself lying on the side, staring at the moonlight outside the window and catching a breath as Satsuki slowly snuck an arm around his waist from behind. “I love kissing you,” he whispered softly, nuzzling Anne’s hair and almost suffocating in the sweet scent of shampoo, or perfume, or whatever else this aura was coming from.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Agreed,” Anne mumbled, smiling into thin air, his head abuzz from being with Satsuki like this, being kissed like the world was ending tomorrow and just … damn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really do have the best girlfriend in the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still halfway into his fantasies, Anne turned his head around, thinking he misheard something just now. “Huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki smiled, lovingly brushing loose strands of hair away from Anne’s face. “I said, I really do have the best girlfriend in the world.”</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne knew what being alone was like. He knew very well how losing everything felt, too. But until that moment, those things were always gradual. Something he could see coming. Something he could see slipping away. Something he knew he had to be ready for, even if he actually wasn’t. But that moment was the first time in his life that everything, </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> got stripped away from him without warning, without mercy, without notice … all at once.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The room went silent, or was it loud? His vision went blurry, everything turned dark, but also, so bright that he wanted to close his eyes and disappear, forever. He had to do something, anything, but … all his brain said was </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, this didn’t happen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, we refuse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, we are still 2 minutes in the past, and that is where the world ends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, this didn’t- girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend- happen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No, we re- </span>
  <em>
    <span>girl</span>
  </em>
  <span>friend- fuse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No … no … no …</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This is where the world ends. And it didn’t even feel like something was being taken. It felt like he himself was being ripped apart, ground to dust, dissolved in acid, then thrown into the wind over an ocean of despair that he wished he could fucking drown in first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His head empty and body feeling like lead, he pulled away like a zombie, sitting up and staring at Satsuki, or somewhere next to him, or behind him, or … his eyes couldn’t really focus right now. Was he crying? Or just losing grip, or …</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anne? What’s wrong? Anne? Are you okay?” Satsuki asked, blissfully ignorant of the coming armageddon as he sat up too, reaching for Anne’s hands. “Anne? What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne’s head dropped as if someone pulled the plug. With no strength left in his body to do anything, he stared at his lap, stared at his own hands, stared at Satsuki’s hands reaching out and trying to hold on, even though .... even though this was all a lie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How, even? Didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> know? Wouldn’t Zen and Iori tell him? Anne even asked … or mentioned something about Satsuki being interested in guys on their first date, right? Or … or did that somehow not get across? But, wouldn’t he notice anyway? He had no chest, no girl could possibly be this flat? And didn’t he tell him how his mother wanted him to look like a boy? And … and … didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> know??</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anne, please, you’re scaring me … what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ah. Fuck. Fuck this whole world, and everything in it. “I’m a guy,” was all he could get out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... what? I don’t get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You … don’t have a girlfriend. I’m not a woman. I’m a guy,” Anne repeated, his teeth so deep into his lip that they were starting to draw blood now … and it made him hope that maybe, he could eventually bleed to death this way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not that he could see anymore at all, but he felt Satsuki’s touch disappear, isolation swooping in like a cruel vulture of the night, taking a claim of his heart and piercing it with its claws as if it were nothing but trash, waiting to be thrown away and devoured by crows in the back alley.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“W-What … Anne, what the fuck?!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ah. There it was. Shock. Anger. Disbelief. But mostly just betrayal … and disgust. There was no mistaking that tone of voice, not after how much of it Anne had heard growing up. Disgust. Disdain. Hate. Blame. All of them? Probably … not like anything changed. And to think … to think he loved-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was nothing to love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All of this was a lie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I thought you knew. I’m sorry,” he mumbled, his voice devoid of emotion, meaning, purpose, anything really. What could he possibly have left anyway? All he had was burning, disintegrating into ash right before him, and there was nothing he could do. Nothing he had any right to try and fight for. Nothing he could throw himself into the flames for … because it wasn’t real.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>None of it was real.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I … I think I’m gonna go,” Satsuki’s voice sounded from somewhere in the room, but Anne was too far gone to note.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah … you probably should,” he answered with his last breath before his throat succumbed to the feeling of being sliced and pricked by needles, unable to speak any longer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A door closed, twice. And Anne was left alone, collapsed onto his bed, soaking in tears, wondering if it really hasn’t been enough yet … if he really hasn’t already been through enough.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The Deep Red Passing Rain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Omurice, omurice, it is nice, Zen-nii’s omurice, yummm!” Reo sang to himself, patiently waiting for their lunch as Zen worked at the stove.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be done soon, I promise. You should pitch this to Satsuki-kun for a new song, though! I like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As if he’d listen to me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But where is Satsuki?” Hokusai asked, frowning a bit as he scrolled around on his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean? He’s with Anne this weekend, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, is he? I thought I heard someone at the door last night though, I figured he didn’t stay the night this time?” Iori asked, raising an eyebrow at Zen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t ask me, he wasn’t anywhere to be found for our morning workout.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Guess he’s not here then, no way the monkey would skip a workout,” Reo piped up, concerned more with the upcoming meal than Satsuki’s whereabouts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well he </span>
  <em>
    <span>better</span>
  </em>
  <span> not be here, I didn’t make any food for him!” Zen raised his arms in defeat, worried at the prospect that he may have just left Satsuki without food due to a misunderstanding. That would be horrible, he couldn’t forgive letting that happen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zen, you’re burning the food. Reo, go see if he’s in his room just to make sure, alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Suuuure, I’m going, monkey fetching service in full progress!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A minute or two after that, there was a loud thud and an uproar of screaming coming from the hallway. Casting the pan aside, Zen was in Satsuki’s room in a blink of an eye like a puma ready to pounce, but what he walked in on was so bizarre, it had him frozen in his tracks for a moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reo was pinned against the wall, his feet hanging in the air as he kicked, yelled and clawed at Satsuki’s hands, but all for naught. Satsuki was gripping his neck with both his hands, screaming his lungs out about how he was gonna kill him. Kill him?!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Puma mode resumed, Zen tackled Satsuki, knocking all three of them onto the ground. “Satsuki-kun, what are yo- aaa ouch!” He yelped as Satsuki elbowed him in the jaw, not even sure if on purpose or by accident.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After all, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> kicking and flailing his arms around all over the place, and before Zen knew what hit him, Satsuki was at Reo’s neck again, looking ready to punch him into the floorboards: “I’m gonna kill you, I’m gonna kill you, I’m gonna kill you, you fucking bastart, I’m gonna ki-pffff.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of that was muffled as Zen got back on his feet, immediately getting an iron-clad grip on Satsuki, pulling him up and into the air just as Iori stuck his head through the door. “Uh, boys, everything alright here? What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know!” Reo yelped, both pissed off and genuinely terrified for his life because holy shit, he has </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> seen Satsuki like this before. “I walk in, he’s passed out cold on the bed, I go to wake him up, next thing I know, he has me up against the wall screaming how he’s gonna kill me! I didn’t do anything!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iori furrowed his brow, looking at Satsuki for some sort of explanation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Satsuki was still just kicking around in Zen’s grasp, and as soon as Zen moved his forearm away from his mouth, he once again started screaming: “I’m gonna kill you, I’m go-mmmppf.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After shutting him back up, Zen gave Iori a confused look, but on this rare occasion, the Young Master had no reassurance to give back: they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> utterly clueless as to what was going on. Instead, Iori reached out a hand to help Reo get back up on his feet: “Are you okay, Reo?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yeah, uh … I’m fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Go have lunch with Hokusai, before it gets cold. We’ll, uh, deal with </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After Reo was gone and the door was closed, Iori stared at Satsuki, who had stopped kicking around, but was now instead just hanging limp in Zen’s arms and aimlessly staring somewhere past Iori’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsuki?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No response, not even once Zen moved his arm away from his mouth again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Master … he’s soaking wet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His clothes, they’re all wet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Iori sighed, scratching his head. “Alright, put him down on the floor.” With Satsuki sitting down, hanging his head, Iori once again tried to talk to him: “Satsuki, what’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, no reply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zen, you got your phone on ya?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Satsuki? Boy, you have two whole seconds to start talking coherently, or Zen’s gonna call his old work buddies down here and we’re gonna have you tested for every drug known to man, because I’m gonna need to know what the hell is going on here, </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki sighed, his mind a mess and his head throbbing with a killer headache - both from walking all the way home in the rain in the middle of the night, and from not getting any real sleep after that. Feeling like a sack of bricks, he finally looked up at Iori, his bloodshot eyes tearing up again: “Why did you let him do this to me? Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who did what to you? Tell you what, Satsuki? You’re not making any sense.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reo … why did you let him-” he lost his trail of thought, the remaining strength draining from his body as he flopped to the side and would be about to hit the floor if Zen hadn’t caught him in time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey, slow … I got you, Satsuki-kun, I got you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why … why didn’t anyone tell me? Why am I a joke to you guys? I thought we were fa … fa … family.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We are,” Iori immediately reassured him. “You’re our precious member, not a joke!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why did you let him do this!? Why did no one … tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell you what, Satsuki? What are you on about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne ...” Satsuki finally uttered, the mere sound of that name making his lungs feel like they were attempting to ooze out of his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne? What happened with Anne?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a guy!” Satsuki yelled, grinding his teeth and digging his nails into the floorboards. He had so many fucking feelings about this, but anger was the only one he really knew what to do anything with, and so there he was: kicking, screaming, and wanting to blow the whole world up in smithereens.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But as Satsuki stewed in his anger on the floor, Iori and Zen exchanged glances once again, and there was only one clear thought conveyed through all of that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fuck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a good few minutes of silence, Iori leaned back against the wall, rubbing his temples. “Okay, so … just to make sure we’re on the same page. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That</span>
  </em>
  <span> is news to you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Fine. I mean, not fine, but … argh. Alright, first things first, we did </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing </span>
  </em>
  <span>here. Reo did nothing, other than ask me to set you two up at the club. You two dating was </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> the plan. And when it happened, we all thought you knew!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H-How would I ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> knows. Everyone knows, Satsuki! Anne-chan’s a guy, the only people that is news to are some of the drunks at CANDY … and you, apparently. Oh sweet heavens, fuck, how did we get into this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We … we even asked you!” Zen jumped in, confused beyond belief. “When you came home after your second date, remember? We all waited for you in the kitchen? And then we said how surprised we were to hear you two are together, and then you asked us if it’s a problem, and you were so happy when we said it’s not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well yeah?! Because she, I mean … he is from a rival group? What else was that supposed to be about? I was just happy you guys didn’t mind me dating the competition.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh … oh shit, Satsuki-kun, there has been a giant misunderstanding there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Iori nodded, pulling at his hair hard enough to go bald in a few hours if he’d keep it up. “We thought that was you coming out as bi. We thought you were asking us if we’re okay with you dating a guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No way ...” Satsuki mumbled, still slouched in Zen’s arms like a half assembled sofa chair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes way. No one was hiding anything from you. At worst, Reo thought it was fun to keep you in the dark ages ago, but we all thought you found out on your own since then! And like, just in case, that’s what that conversation was for! To check if you’re on the same page as everyone else, like we assumed you were, and it looked like it, so we didn’t know!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh ...” Satsuki mumbled, his head dropping to the side as his eyes slowly closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zen, how is he? Does he have a fever or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t think so, but again, he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> soaked like a sheep in a car wash. His bed is all wet too, looks like he came home and just collapsed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haaa … alright, alright. Basic crisis management, let’s keep our heads straight, the kid needs us. Go drop him into a hot bath before he catches something, if he hasn’t already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You got it, Master,” Zen rose up, lifting the half-asleep Satsuki on his shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll ask Hokusai to sort his clothes and bed. And I gotta make sure Reo is okay and doesn’t have like, a concussion or something. Fucking hell, man … I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> equipped for this. I feel like I need to start looking for a therapist or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For him? Or you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what? Probably both,” Iori sighed, holding the door open for Zen to carry Satsuki out.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Meanwhile in the kitchen, Reo explained to Hokusai what happened, and was now wolfing down his part of lunch, while everyone else’s was getting cold - including Hokusai’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, why aren’t you eating? Whatever happened, it’s gonna be okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmmm … is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ye, of course. Satsuki’s just being stupid, probably. Right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t know. I don’t think he is. I think something is </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How would you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, because … Anne-chan hasn’t opened any of the photos I sent him today,” he explained, showing his phone screen to Reo as proof. “See? This has never happened before!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh … do you think they had a fight or something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A fight is putting it mildly, I’m afraid,” Iori interjected, patting Reo’s head. “Are you really okay? He looked like grabbed you pretty good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m fine, he mostly just screamed at me, I was just spooked a bit … what happened, big bro?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how to best put this, but … he didn’t know. About Anne. He thought he was a girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reo’s jaw almost dropped to the floor. “What? But it’s been … over a month … how?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t ask me. I have no clue, and he’s barely in any state to say anything. Zen’s taking care of him, but ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh god, this is all my fault, I was the one who-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reo, no, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> your fault … those shenanigans were a long time ago, and besides, we literally did every possible reasonable thing short of straight up asking him if he’s aware that Anne has a dick. I honestly don’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> this was even possible, but alas … he didn’t know. No clue whatsoever. And he thought we were pranking him or something, hence … tackling you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see … shit. Is he gonna be okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. Zen and I are gonna take care of everything, okay? It’s gonna be alright, I promise. We’re a family, we’ve got this. Now, Hokusai, let’s eat, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm … okay,” Hokusai mumbled, picking up his chopsticks while still staring at his phone. “Poor Satsuki … poor Anne-chan too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Iori sighed, realizing there was yet another side to this equation that he hadn’t thought about. “That too, right … thanks for reminding me. I’ll need to check up on him too ...”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Life Trauma</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Mmm .. needs more basil,” Hajun concluded, slowly simmering the pasta sauce. “It’s almost done, by the way. Allen, who are you on the phone with? Is it that cutie from last night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Walking out of his room stone-faced, Allen shook his head, still clutching the phone in his left hand. “No … it was Suiseki-san.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh? Getting a raise, are we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hajun ...” Allen mumbled, trying to get his attention away from the saucepan. “This is serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It only took one quick glance for Hajun to read the gravity of the situation from Allen’s face. He turned the stove off, nervously chewing on the spoon he was just using to taste the sauce. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, long story short, apparently … Satsuki’s there having a mental breakdown, because … he thought Anne was a girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun stood and stared at him, utterly speechless. He then began pacing between the stove and the table for a moment before abruptly stopping and looking at Allen again. “I’m sorry, what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He thought Anne was a girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah I heard that the fucking first time, I was hoping you were gonna say it’s a joke.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m serious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And so, the pacing resumed, even more nervous than before. He opened his mouth multiple times, but ended up saying nothing as he waved his arms around in jagged motions, eventually pressing the spoon to his forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hajun, the sauce-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha? Oh, I know, just … fuck, Allen, I am going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>strangle</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. Is Anne okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. His door’s shut, do you think we should-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh abso-fucking-lutely,” he cut Allen off, tossing the spoon on the counter and flinging Anne’s door open the very next minute. “Anne? Anne!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Both of them ran to the side of the bed, where Anne was … just lying there, staring into thin air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne? Oi, Anne, are you okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne, please talk to us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne blinked slowly, trying to focus his eyes on the two faces in front of him. “A … Allen, Hajun … h-hi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Allen, get a glass of water, and whatever chocolate’s in the drawer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne, dude … you ain’t looking too pretty right now,” Hajun said, softly stroking his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sa … Sa … Sa-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We know, dear … Suiseki-san called us. We know. It’s gonna be okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne tried to say something, but all that came out was a muffled cough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Easy, easy ... ” Hajun mumbled, taking the cup of water that Allen just brought. “Here, drink.” He pressed the glass to Anne’s lips, letting him drink without moving much. “Have you been in here crying all night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seeing that, Allen gasped in horror. “Fuck, man, you should have said something, we weren’t even out this long, we just thought you two were already asleep or something, oh god … I can’t believe we just let you here alone!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Allen, buddy, you’re not exactly helping here,” Hajun scolded him, patting the floor next to him. “Get over here, where’s the sugar I asked for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, here!” Allen answered, handing over a small box of chocolates.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There we go … these square ones are your favorite, right? Here, have some, even though I already made lunch,” Hajun did his best to sound reassuring as he lifted one of the chocolate candies in front of Anne’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But all he got in return was a soft, defeated sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t want it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay … we’ll just leave them here then. Do you want to get up for lunch?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do we bring you food here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Anne repeated again. In all honesty, he didn’t quite register what exactly he was refusing. But it didn’t matter: he didn’t want </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He just wanted to close his eyes and stop existing. “... was right,” he mumbled, letting his sorrow seep out between his teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mom … was right. I should just … look like a boy … and then … none of this … I wouldn’t do this to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne … don’t say that,” Allen bit his lip, unsure of what him and Hajun could even do right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, don’t say that. You didn’t do anything. This isn’t your fault!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it was moot - Anne didn’t hear them. He just stared at the wall, wishing yesterday never happened. And he never … even … got to say it. “I love him,” he whispered, his heart suddenly heavier than his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun stroked his hair again, nodding slowly. “We know … we’ve known for a while now, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allen nodded, because of course. It didn’t take two looks to tell that Anne was in love with Satsuki. Not for his best friends, at least.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you tell him?” Hajin asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was gonna, but … then he said I’m the best girl- ah …” Anne bit his lip again, as if there weren’t enough puncture marks there already.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shush, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it, it’s okay … we’re gonna be right here, okay? It’s gonna be okay. We’ll sort it out. We got it, don’t worry about a thing okay? We’re gonna be right back, just a moment.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With that, he pulled Allen out of the room, closing Anne’s door almost all the way before sneaking into the kitchen, his voice as low as he could make it: “Okay, so, this is clearly the biggest fucking disaster we’ve ever seen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, this is … horrifying. It’s as if he’s been having a trap reaction for the past 10 hours!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Or worse. I don’t know if we can actually make anything better, but at the very least, we gotta do damage control. So here’s the plan: point one, every fucking pair of scissors is going under lock and key, I don’t want him to get some spur of the moment stupid idea and re-trauamtize himself with cutting his hair. So bring me whatever’s in your room, I’m gonna clear out the bathroom, and you need to go through his room - if it’s sharp, it’s out, okay? I don’t care if they’re fucking nail clippers or eyelash curlers, or … probably the hair straightener too, and what else … actually, you know what, just dump all his styling gizmos in my room, let’s not take any chances. Then, we’re gonna figure out how to get him to eat something, and if he’s still lying there like a flake of seaweed in the evening, we’re clearing the floor, taking my futon in there, and I’m sleeping next to him until he’s functional again. And you, call Suiseki-san and like, ask for some days off or something, he’s in no fucking shape to be working this week.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Allen nodded eagerly, feeling ever so grateful for Hajun’s dependable, caretaking nature. “Got it. Scissors, gizmos, call the boss.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun took a deep breath, realizing he got some of the sauce onto his bangs as he tried running a hand through his hair. “Wonderful,” he mumbled. “Just … peachy. I think this is where I might start praying for a miracle or something ...”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>By Wednesday, it’s been 5 days since everything went to shit, and both sides were still barely struggling to keep up the status quo. Allen had become a regular fixture in Iori’s office after closing, where he exchanged information from the home front with him and Zen. Were they even supposed to be working together on this? None of them knew, but it was the best thing they could think of.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Any progress?” Zen asked eagerly before Allen could even loosen his bowtie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well … depends on how you call it, I guess. We managed to get him out of bed today, like … he’ll walk somewhere if we literally hold his hand and drag him there. So we did get him to take a bath with much struggle, but that’s about it. Hajun tried making another one of his fave dishes again, and nothing. All we can get into him are pureed vegetables with no taste. He keeps rambling randomly, but nothing that really makes sense. For all intents and purposes, we’re still at the functionality of a hermit crab, but … at least it’s not getting worse, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, that’s sadly more than we can say,” Iori sighed, shaking his head. “Satsuki started having nightmares yesterday. Or at least something like it … we can’t even tell if he’s sleeping or not, since all he does is lie in bed and stare at the wall, but last night, he just started screaming bloody hell out of nowhere. Like 3 or 4 times, even. It’s like every time he manages to fall asleep, boom, he’s up screaming in 20 minutes. I’ve been sleeping on the floor next to him, but Zen and I might need to start taking shifts because it’s impossible to get any sleep there now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he still won’t eat anything other than protein drinks. I’ve been trying to sneak extra sugar and butter in there, just so he’s getting at least some calories, but it’s honestly concerning ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea it’s a fucking mess, ain’t it? I even called a friend of a friend who knows one of those high end shrinks, just to see what professional advice I could get, and her response was basically that we just need to keep doing what we’re doing now, and it should get better soon. But she can’t do anything as long as they’re both in the state of lying around and doing nothing, apparently it would only make it worse trying to force in help so soon. And I get it, she knows what she’s talking about, but … fuck, I just want someone to swoop in and save my boy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same ...” Allen mumbled, knowing how much pain him and Hajun were in, having to watch Anne just drift through time like that. He imagined it must have felt the same for AKYR too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is all my fault, really ...” Iori sighed, emptying a glass of whiskey and slamming it back down on the table in agony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Young Master, please don’t say that again!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s right, boss, it’s no one’s fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, except, doesn’t it have to be? I mean, I took this boy in off the streets, I raised him, I know what a goofball he is, I know he’s fucking oblivious to the world around him, I knew Reo had that dumb joke going a while ago, like … shouldn’t I have known? Shouldn’t I have just assumed that something was grossly amiss there? I keep going over everything we talk about lately, trying to find that one damn moment that I missed, and sure, in hindsight, there are signs everywhere, but on its own … there’s nothing. Nothing I missed. Nothing either of us missed. And still, I just wish there was, I wish I could blame someone, I wish this was easier.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we all do,” Allen assured him, not knowing what else to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well .. it is what it is. We should be going, Zen … let’s not leave the kids with him too long, I’m already on edge as it is. Has Hokusai texted anything in the past 30 minutes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just that there’s nothing new.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No news is good news, I guess … let’s hope, at least. Goodnight, Allen-kun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We hope whatever you come home to is better than what you left there,” Zen expressed his best wishes, ones that all of them have been clinging onto since the start of the week. But with every passing day, it was getting harder and harder to not slip and fall off …</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Looks like Zen won't have a song in shuffle teams, so let's cry together :(</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Fuck The Borderline</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Satsuki took a deep breath, slowly opening his eyes just a bit. The room was dark, it must have been the middle of the night … and he was so tired. So damn tired. He just couldn’t sleep: he stopped counting all the nightmares of the world collapsing onto him, but they kept him up every time he managed to fall asleep, over and over again. As if he didn’t deserve any break from this horrible feeling in his chest - though to be fair, he figured he probably deserved this. Deserved to be in pain. Deserved to feel lost. Deserved to be unable to sleep. Deserved the nightmares.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But not all of them were about things collapsing … some were about Anne. About them. In the past two? Three? However many days … he started having those dreams too, quite often. They were horrifying, and they made him feel like he was trapped with no way to escape, because … he had to escape, after all, he didn’t want … he didn’t want … </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But the only escape was waking up - like he had done just now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet not even this seemed to be helping anymore? He got used to having a few blessed moments of relief after waking up from a nightmare, a minute or two before reality crashed onto his shoulders, but he barely opened his eyes now and he already felt unsettled, confused, hurt … scared. Mostly just scared. If he could just … just close his eyes and lower his head and lean into … and be held, and told it’s okay … then maybe, he wouldn’t feel like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But he’s a guy</span>
  </em>
  <span>, echoes roared up inside his mind again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know ...” he whispered, his lips barely moving enough to form the letters. “But … I just ...” He sighed, grinding his teeth together, his head feeling like it could explode at any moment now. He’s had so many dreams about Anne, so many of them, but this was the first time that he woke up, and then … just let it continue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He closed his eyes slowly, carefully slipping into the memories that were tearing him apart at the seams. Talking at the club … Anne’s laughter … holding hands … their first-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s a guy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows. He knows, he knows, he knows. But they still … they still kissed. And lay next to each other, and held each other, and-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A guy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knows! But all those times … he was so happy. Anne was so good to him, it all worked so well!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A guy!! You’re not into guys, we need to forget this and get an actual girlfriend!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satsuki opened his eyes again, in a desperate attempt to silence his intrusive thoughts. They were right, but … he just didn’t know anymore. He always wanted to have a girlfriend. He always wanted to be the coolest boyfriend ever, but being with Anne was so much different than what he imagined. So much better too, and he didn’t realize …</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If he had a girlfriend, he could totally spoil her. And do all the cute stuff with her. And protect her from all the other guys. But … would she flip those guys off herself too? Would she let Satsuki be in the background sometimes? Would she take his hand and lead the way when he’d be scared? Would she think it’s cute when he’s insecure? Would she help him not be jealous? Would she spend so much time texting him little reminders that he’s so great? Would she have his sense of humor? Would she want to hold him and take care of him too, not just the other way around?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had to admit that of course, there’s probably a girl like that </span>
  <em>
    <span>somewhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> out there. In fact, there must be several of this variety walking around the Earth this very minute, but … Satsuki also realized that he wouldn’t know how to find them. Before Anne, the only real idea he had of being someone’s boyfriend was being cool and dependable. The one his girlfriend would rely on all the time. Her hero. And thinking back now, at first, it was kinda frustrating how Anne was just one step ahead of him, and stealing everything that </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> was supposed to be doing, but …</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What if Satsuki liked it like that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What if he liked being led by someone else? What if he liked being doted on? What if he liked falling into someone’s arms more than vice versa? What if he liked not being in charge? What if he liked being spoiled, and protected, and reassured over and over again? What if he liked being vulnerable? What if he liked taking his hands off the steering wheel and just trusting someone else with everything? He had all those perfect fantasies of how his relationship would look like, but … what if he didn’t want to be the guy in those fantasies all the time?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Again, he probably wouldn’t have to be. He pushed himself to admit that all this mess probably had more to do with his idea of what boyfriends and girlfriends should be like, rather than … what they’re actually supposed to be, or can be, or want to be. He wondered if he sounded like a sexist idiot, and he was afraid that the answer was probably yes, but … it’s not like he was the only one?! Maybe it was just his bad luck, or a coincidence, but all the girls he knew were pretty similar to how he imagined them to be … after all, they were where he got his ideas from in the first place!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So while he did his best now to acknowledge that there must also be different types of girls out there, girls who wouldn’t just want to be princesses and damsels in distress, girls who could be this awesome mix of everything, even if it wasn’t what they were supposed to be like … it also made him think that it was probably just </span>
  <em>
    <span>easier </span>
  </em>
  <span>for Anne.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Easier to do everything which Satsuki realized he wanted all along. Easier, because so many of those things were expected of guys, and … Anne was a guy. But at the same time, it’s not like Anne was </span>
  <em>
    <span>the</span>
  </em>
  <span> guy in their relationship. He couldn’t have been, because there were also all those times where Satsuki </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> do things the way he thought they should be done. He had dozens upon dozens of macho boyfriend moments, and Anne just … fit into all of that as well? He seemed happy with it too … happy about being called cute, happy to rely on Satuski, happy to trust him the things he never told anyone else, happy to cry in front of him, happy to take his compliments.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now that he thought about it … weren’t they </span>
  <em>
    <span>both </span>
  </em>
  <span>just doing everything? If Satsuki wanted to be the one sneaking up on Anne and hugging him from behind, or the one being pinned to a wall as Anne kissed him out of nowhere - he could be both. If he wanted to cry and be held, or be the one consoling Anne while he was crying - he could do both. If he wanted to decide what they were doing, or if he just wanted to keep his eyes closed and follow Anne - he could do both.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne gave him space to do everything. To be everything. Was that who he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> was? All those things he enjoyed about being with Anne, the things he thought were some kind of guilty pleasures that he’s only being given because Anne’s more experienced than him … was that just who Satsuki was all along? All those moments when he thought he was being given a break from being what he had to be … did he event </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be the kind of guy he was trying to be? Did he want to be whatever it was that Anne let him be instead? A guy? A girl? … himself?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dwelling on that thought for a while, Satsuki slowly flopped around on his back, staring at the ceiling, feeling more awake than he’s been in days. It was like somewhere in his mind, the sun was finally rising … except he didn’t like what was starting to dawn on him. He didn’t like it one bit, actually.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne probably didn’t care about having a boyfriend. He even told him as much, didn’t he? That gender didn’t matter to him … so it made sense, finally. Anne didn’t want a boyfriend - he just wanted Satsuki. The more he thought about it, the more he felt overwhelmed with just how open and caring and accepting Anne was of him, no matter what. How he gave him space he didn’t even know he needed. How he reached in and lured out parts of him he never knew he wanted to show. How his existence just kinda … melted into the cracks Satsuki didn’t even know he had on him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But now all of that was gone, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>of course</span>
  </em>
  <span> he felt like the world was collapsing. Except it wasn’t the world, it was just him. Folding over himself because without Anne, without the space Anne gave him … he didn’t really have much to hold him up in the first place. It felt like Anne knew who Satsuki wanted to be more than he himself knew. And now, he was left with all these things that Anne showed him, all these things that Anne made possible, and he didn’t know what to do with any of them. He had everything, he had what those sappy movies need ten scriptwriters to come up with, he had the best thing in the world with Anne … and he threw it out the window like it was nothing. Because he wanted a girlfriend more than he wanted Anne as a person.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fuck, what an asshole. What an absolute, unbearable, unredeemable asshole.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I hope he’s okay ...” he mumbled to himself, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. “I hope he’s out somewhere with Hajun and Allen, I hope he doesn’t even care about this, I ...” he drifted off, knowing there was no point to what he was saying. There was </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> way that Anne was okay, as much as he hated to admit it. He was so kind, and he cared so much, and … Satsuki just trampled all over that like an unruly child in an art museum.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he processed the continuously heavier weight of his actions, another thing just happened to slip into his mind: all those times Anne talked about his mother, and how he was punished and swindled out of being who he wanted to be … Satsuki just assumed that was about Anne not being girly enough. He thought Anne was perfect, of course, but he figured that maybe, mommy dearest wanted one of those girls that look like dolls and grow up to be literature students, not rappers. He thought that was the problem, but now it was quite apparent that it was actually the opposite - Anne was </span>
  <em>
    <span>too </span>
  </em>
  <span>girly. His mother wanted him to look like a boy. He lost his family because he didn’t look enough like a guy. And now? He was all alone, dealing with the fact that his boyfriend only ever dated him for the same reason, and left when it turned out that Anne was actually a guy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He already spent his whole life being blamed for who he is ...” Satsuki wondered out loud, as if the darkness in his room had any answers to give back. “And then he finally finds a place where he can be himself … and then I come in like an idiot, only to throw his biggest pain into his face again and then disappear. Oh god … what have I done?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>During all this, Zen was passed out in the corner of Satsuki’s room, sleeping like a log. He didn’t see him tossing around, he didn’t hear him talking to himself, and he didn’t notice him eventually getting up and leaving room either ...</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>BURAIKAN REVEAL GOT ME HYPED SO HERE'S A NEW CHAPTER WHOOOO.</p><p>(Really though, I loved writing this part, probably my fave scene I did in months.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. In The Darkness, A Ray Of One Light</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hajun’s eyes shot open and he immediately set up from his futon, looking at Anne like a hawk. His eyes were closed, face dug into a pillow, breathing slow enough to where he could possibly actually be sleeping … but then what was that sound right now? Did he imagine-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bzzzzz.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doorbell? Hajun looked at his dimly lit phone screen, it was barely 3 am. Did some drunk get the wrong door or something?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Bzzzzzzzzzz.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine, fine, urgh ...” he sighed, disgruntledly tossing his covers to the side and heading out, where he promptly bumped into Allen who was also emerging from his room in confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oi … wassup?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know, are you expecting anyone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now?” Allen gave him an exasperated look, shaking his head. “No, it’s probably nothing. Are you gonna get it or should I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll go, you should maybe put a shirt on first,” Hajun waved him off, heading for the door. Too lazy to turn on the light, he fumbled with the keys for a bit before getting it open, and much to his shock … Satsuki was just standing outside, staring at him</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Hajun, I got the shirt- whoa WHAT THE FUCK?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Turning his head around, Hajun quickly shushed Allen before returning his attention to the unexpected stray dog at their doorstep. “He has a point though,” he said in a hushed tone. “What </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> you doing here?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucked up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you did. Massively. But I don’t see how this fixes anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Allen added, walking out to the door as well. “I really doubt you apologizing is gonna do much, if anything. Especially not right now. Just … let it go, man. You’ve done enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki bit his lip, resisting the urge to just dash past both of them - which he obviously knew was a bad idea. “Please … I need to see him!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun took a step outside, the cold night air giving him goosebumps as he grabbed Satsuki’s shoulder: “Dude, I spent two whole days cooling down from wanting to choke you to death, do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> push me back into that again. You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> seeing him. We are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> letting you abuse him so you can get your closure. You have hurt him </span>
  <em>
    <span>enough</span>
  </em>
  <span> already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This isn’t about me! I don’t care what I get! I’m not smart like you guys, okay? Some of us do dumb shit, and we hurt people, and by the time we realize it, it’s already too late, but .. the least I can do is tell him it’s not his fault. That I was wrong. That </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> screwed up. Please … I need to fix this. I can’t let him think something’s wrong with him because of how I left, when … that was my fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun let go of Satsuki’s shoulder, giving Allen a questioning look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Biting his lip, Allen shrugged his shoulders, because heck if he knew what to do about this. If it were up to him, he’d send Satsuki away, lock the door and never ever let him near Anne ever again. But if he tried to think about it from Anne’s perspective … “I, uh, think Anne might actually want to see him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably ...” Hajun mumbled, looking at Satsuki as he weighed what would be the right thing to do here. “Fine, get in here … you can talk to him. I don’t know if he’s asleep or not, but not like he’s actually been properly asleep since you left anyway, so … whatever, I guess. But we’ll be right outside the door, got it? </span>
  <em>
    <span>One</span>
  </em>
  <span> complaint from him and I’m dragging you out immediately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki nodded, taking off his shoes and stumbling towards Anne’s room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Watching after him, Allen couldn’t help but whisper under his breath: “Hmmm … he really looks just as bad as Anne.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah … and we now have </span>
  <em>
    <span>two</span>
  </em>
  <span> of these zombies in our house. How did he even get all the way here without notice? Didn’t Suiseki-san say they’re keeping an eye on him? Some yakuza they are ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what do you think is gonna happen now? Like … they couldn’t possibly ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun scratched the back of his neck, realizing he hadn't even thought of that himself. “Nah, I mean … this is a breakup conversation, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, just … I don’t know, something about the way he looked at us made me think, what if … but yeah, that would be a bit much. I agree.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would be nice though,” Hajun whispered softly, making no secret of how desperately he just wanted everything to go back to when Anne was happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah … would be,” Allen agreed.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>His fingers shaking and heart pounding, Satsuki reached for the door handle, silently entering the room, his eyes falling on Anne’s seemingly lifeless body on the edge of the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hajun … where did you … go?” A soft, scared whisper filled the room, and Satsuki felt his heart impaling itself on the ribs surrounding his chest. It hurt so much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne … it’s me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those were the first words Anne heard that week; as in, actually heard. Everything else was a mess and a blur, echoing somewhere in the distance, but these words were right here, right beside him. He had to move, had to make sure it wasn’t a dream again - and so his body found the strength to sit up on its own, looking hopefully at the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki stood frozen, watching as Anne slowly turned towards him, his hair an unbrushed mess, his face without makeup, wearing an old T-shirt stained with tears, his skin alarmingly pale and his fingers digging into the sheets as he struggled to keep himself from collapsing back onto the bed. Satsuki didn’t even know when it was that his feet decided to move on his own, but he already found himself sitting beside Anne, reaching to hold him so he wouldn’t have to push himself so hard … and then it hit him that maybe, Anne wouldn’t want that. “Can … can I hold you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of an answer, Anne just leaned against his chest, too tired to really process what was going on. He thought Satsuki was gone … but he wasn’t? “Sa … tsu,” he whispered softly, his fingers tugging at his hoodie as he searched for any other indication that this wasn’t a dream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t exactly a resounding yes, but it was all Satsuki needed. Without a second thought, he pulled Anne closer, hiding him in his arms, softly kissing the top of his head. “Anne … I missed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... mhmm,” Anne mumbled something incoherent, feeling himself drowned out by this warm embrace, this familiar scent, Satsuki’s loving voice and the feeling of safety it gave him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Similarly, Satsuki was also staring down the wave of exhaustion that’s been looming over him for the past week, and he felt like a helpless bystander as the mass of it collided with him straight on. With Anne safely in his arms, he closed his eyes, his body losing strength as his back landed somewhere on Anne’s bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a moment, it felt like last Friday never happened … and it was a good feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>~~~</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Many hours later, Anne woke up, softly blinking at the light coming through the blinds. Morning? It looked like it, at least. He felt rested, his head didn’t hurt, and … Satsuki was sleeping right behind him, arms around his waist and face smooshed into his back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Was all of last week just a horribly vivid nightmare? But Hajun’s futon was on the floor, so it couldn’t have been. Then … how did Satsuki get here? Why was he here? What was going on? Anne tried his best to remember what happened last night, but he’d been waking up and having weird dreams all the time, so … he didn’t know. He thought he remembered Satsuki appearing out of nowhere in the middle of the night, but it felt too much like a dream … and yet, Satsuki was here now, so maybe it wasn’t a dream?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But what if </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> is a dream? His heart skipping a beat, he immediately turned around and grabbed hold of Satsuki’s arm, and it was actually there for him to hold. He let out a sigh of relief, his grip unintentionally tightening enough to wake Satsuki up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... Anne?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let go, sitting up and moving away slightly. “Morning … I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning ...” Satsuki repeated the same, also sitting up so that he was now facing Anne, a small yet uncomfortably foreign amount of space between them. “So, uh … about last time … I really screwed up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A bit,” Anne cynically agreed, chipping the polish off his nails so had a reason to not look at Satsuki. “I don’t know how you didn’t know … I mean, just … it’s impossible. I guess I didn’t specifically tell you, but I thought it was obvious! I thought they’d tell you, at least ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They also thought I knew. But it doesn’t matter, I mean … this isn’t your fault. It’s not theirs either. This is entirely my fault. But it’s not just about not knowing!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I found out … I totally screwed that up too. I shouldn’t have just left. I ran away like a coward, because I was shocked and scared and it felt weird, and-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not like I expected you to feel something else,” Anne interjected before Satsuki could go on listing even more completely normal responses. “You’re not wrong for feeling that way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I know, and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> kinda feel that way, but … I shouldn’t have just left. I shouldn’t have left you all alone. I made it all about me, and my feelings, and … you got thrown under the bus because I couldn’t handle what just happened. I hate myself for that. I hate what I did to you. I hate </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> I did it. I never wanted to hurt you, and yet … here we are. That’s also my fault. And I wish I could rewind time and take it all back, but I can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What would you even do differently, if you could go back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki hung his head, clenching his fists: “I … don’t have an answer for that, really. I shouldn’t have run away. I should have stayed. But I’m not sure what that would accomplish.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then … why are you here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looked back up, staring at Anne: he was sitting in front of him all slouched down, scratching his nails, leaving pink flakes scattered on the bed. His bangs were conveniently hiding his eyes, and Satsuki would do anything to know what was behind them; was Anne looking at him? Was he about to cry? Maybe both? Either way, the longer he sat watching Anne in silence, the stronger a certain feeling got in his chest: the same feeling he’s had so many times before already … the same feeling he chased after when he woke up from his nightmares.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You said I’ll just know, right ...” he mumbled, wishing Anne had been right about this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Know what?” Anne asked, looking up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki met his gaze, forcing a smile but really, he was on the verge of breaking down in tears. “You said I’ll know once I fall in love, and yet … I didn’t get it until it was too late. But I know now. That’s why ...” he paused, biting his lip to choke back tears, using all his strength to fight the urge of leaning forward and kissing Anne as if none of this had ever happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I’m here. Because I’m in love with you. I’m confused, scared as fuck, and in love with you.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Buraikan ... I am waiting, patiently.</p><p>In the mean time, please enjoy Satsuki's confession!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. In Our Hands, A Second Try</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Anne tilted his head, staring at Satsuki in surprise. In any other circumstance, he’d be crying of happiness after hearing that, but … right now, it was just too much. Exhaling slowly, he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling as he tried to figure out what he was feeling and what he wanted to say back - if anything. “You’ve got </span>
  <em>
    <span>a lot</span>
  </em>
  <span> more talking to do, you know ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Satsuki answered, leaning against the wall, looking at Anne with an overwhelming sense of yearning and guilt. “I guess… I guess this makes more sense after all. Do you remember when you started working at CANDY?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne nodded. “It’s been a while now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve liked you since the moment I first saw you. You were the most beautiful … person I’ve ever met. But it was more than that! You also had, I mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> this … this air around you that’s just intimidating. You’re so full of yourself, but like, in a good way! As in, you are who you are, and you don’t need anything else, and no one else gets to tell you what to do, and the rest of the world can go fuck itself if they don’t like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you might be exaggerating a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little</span>
  </em>
  <span> bit,” Anne said, the corners of his lips escaping into a subtle smile. “I still have my insecurities.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know that </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but back then … you just felt invincible. And even if not, so what? Maybe invincible is the wrong word, maybe more like … undefeatable. Confident. Yourself. And I think I got hooked on that … the thought of being with you, but also being like you. I almost think that I admired you more than I was crushing on you, but it’s not like I can actually tell the difference looking back now. Anyway, the point is that … I’m not like that. I try to be, but I’m not really.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See? You know that … but most other people have no idea. I just have to be loud enough, and angry enough, and that sells it, even if it’s not real. It’s all about appearances: I’m not as confident as I’d like to be, so I try to look like I am anyway. And there are all these, uhm, ideas of how that’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed</span>
  </em>
  <span> to look like. But you weren’t an idea. You were real. And when I was with you … I got to be real too. For the first time in my life, I actually felt like I was learning to be what I tried to show off this whole time. But, well … it turns out reality and ideas don’t mix too well. Finding my place with you, being happy, slowly building my confidence with you right behind me … that was reality. But at the same time, I was still thinking about how I need to be better, stronger, smarter, how all these slow steps were just because I wasn’t good enough to do things my way yet … that was an idea. And when it came down to it … I threw away everything real because of that idea, and I hate it. I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably lots of things,” Anne comforted him softly, feeling like Satsuki was being just a bit too cruel to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, well, it doesn’t matter what I was thinking. I was with you, and I was happy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really</span>
  </em>
  <span> happy. But it wasn’t the way I thought it would be, it wasn’t how I thought a relationship would look like, it wasn’t how I thought confidence would look like, it wasn’t … it wasn’t like any of my ideas. And it felt weird, I thought about that a lot … and then when I learned you weren’t a girl, it finally made sense. Or maybe not, maybe it didn’t make sense, but I just felt like that was </span>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you know? Like boom, the one thing to blame for why things weren’t like how I imagined they’d be, and it felt like a scam.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you wanted to date a woman?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yes, but no … so many things that made me happy about us felt like they </span>
  <em>
    <span>shouldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> make me happy. Because they weren’t anything like my ideas. So I was happy, but I felt guilty for being happy sometimes too, because it felt like I was being given a free pass. Which is obviously my problem, but … I ended up blaming it on you being a guy rather than me being a fucking moron.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uhm … I am not sure I fully understand what you mean by that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Like … okay, if I was dating a girl, right? And probably not any girl, I don’t think that would be fair to say, but at least let’s be honest and say any of the other girls I know - which, by the way, seem like a really narrow part of all girls the more I think about it - let’s say I was dating one of them. I’d just be … pushed into what my idea of a boyfriend and a more confident guy looked like all along. And it would still be just appearances, but that’s the point: I was so focused on how I thought being happy with life and myself would look like that when it actually fell into my lap, I just pushed it away because it </span>
  <em>
    <span>looked </span>
  </em>
  <span>wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne shook his head, unable to believe this mess. “Look, at the risk of sounding ignorant about these fucking gender norms you and everyone else keeps going on about, I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>sorry</span>
  </em>
  <span> that I confused you by actually having feelings and treating you nicely and letting you be your shy self whenever you needed it, but if it’s that dynamic you want, I can give you at least 5 numbers off the top of my head for girls who’d happily treat you just like I did. Heck, is my ex still single? You would </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> her, trust m-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Satsuki cut him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No? What no?” Anne asked, sitting up in annoyance. “I’m trying to tell you that whatever made you happy has </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do with me being a guy, you can find the same with girls too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I go find something I already have?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you’re not into guys?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well the past month clearly says otherwise!” Satsuki snapped back, pulling his knees to his chest in defense. “Or maybe it doesn’t, I don’t fucking know. I said I was confused, didn’t I?! But if you don’t care about gender, why should I? Why can’t I just … love you? You, as a person? Cause let’s be honest, if I were into guys, you wouldn’t be my first idea on that list either. You’re not a girl, but you’re not the typical guy either. This isn’t about that! It’s about </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Anne, I’m in love with </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I don’t care if you’re a guy or a girl or anything else … I think about you and all I see is your smile, the way you deal with the world and yourself and me, how caring and confident and amazing you are … Anne, please … my heart is full up to here with </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Satsuki gestured at his throat, his voice wavering. “... I can’t fit any of this dumb crap in there too. There’s no space. I don’t care. I can’t care. I tried and all it did was keep me up at night. I don’t care. I’m in love with you … but if I screwed everything up already, I understand. Just please don’t tell me to find someone else … not like that. Not as a replacement for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anne bit his lip, staring at Satsuki who by now was on the verge of tears. It hurt, seeing that … even more so since he was the cause of it. “I’m sorry … I shouldn’t have said that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s … o-okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clearly not,” Anne called him out on his shaky voice. He reached out his arms, smiling softly: “Hey, Satsu … come here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Surprised by the invitation, Satsuki leaned forward, landing in Anne’s arms where he dared to lean against his chest for the first time, now that … well, now that he knew there was nothing there. He wrapped his arms around Anne’s back, his fingers digging into the skin through the old T-shirt: he realized he might have been holding on too hard, but still … he didn’t want to let go. He was terrified of letting go, of being told he blew it, of hearing it’s over. Terrified of having to say goodbye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trying not to lose himself in the overwhelming strength of that embrace, Anne rested his chin on top of Satsuki’s head, sighing softly. “It hurt so much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My whole world collapsed when you called me your girlfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t even breathe. All I saw was white. It hurt so much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. I’m sorry. I should have stayed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Choking back tears, Anne’s lips turned into an amused smile at the thought of Satsuki still staying around that night despite everything. “Nah … not like I’d be in any state to talk to you. I just felt horrible, so horrible … and like it was my fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?! How would any of that be your fault?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if I </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> looked like a guy, we wouldn’t be having this problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah ... that. I figured you might be thinking that. And then the stuff with your mother, it also made sense ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, I completely forgot - what did you think that was about before?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought the problem was that you weren’t girly enough, not the other way around.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” Anne mumbled, rubbing his temples. “I should have specified, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“By the way …”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … well, I’m not sure if this is the wrong thing to ask, but … why </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>you look like this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I like it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne nodded, laughing. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you or anything, it’s just that I get this a lot, and I find the concept fucking stupid. If a girl doesn’t wear makeup and has a closet full of men’s hoodies, no one bats an eye. Or maybe she even gets a nod and a clap for not being like the other girls, whatever that’s supposed to mean. At worst, some asshole’s gonna sneer at her for being a tomboy. But if I put on lipstick and a skirt, why does </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> warrant a doctoral thesis worth of questions about gender expressions, why does </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> get everyone’s panties in a twist? It’s essentially the same thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh … you’re right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I am. I’ve been thinking about this for a </span>
  <em>
    <span>long</span>
  </em>
  <span> time. Society loves telling women what they can and can’t do, that fucking sucks, but at the same time, it also baffles me how much more freedom they seem to have when it comes to expressing themselves. Or maybe that’s just how it looks like from my perspective, I can’t say for sure. But have you </span>
  <em>
    <span>seen</span>
  </em>
  <span> women’s clothing? And all the jewelry? And the billion shades of makeup? They get to be a blank canvas, each day a brand new art exhibit … meanwhile, guy’s fashion is just boring to me. I like art, I like colors, I like flashy things, I like making a visual phenomenon project out of myself. And I don’t think those are inherently feminine traits, to be honest. Like I said, a woman can have zero interest in any of that, and it doesn’t mean she’s any less of a woman. If anything, I think more people should define genders for themselves instead of just taking whatever society offers to them. Not every woman has the same idea of what being a woman is, and the same goes for guys. So whether people want to redefine those terms or even ditch them completely and find their identity in something else, I’m all for it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The more you talk about this, the more like I feel like a dumb asshole … but thanks. I like hearing about this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eh, everyone’s gonna be an accidental asshole a few times in their life, it’s unavoidable. We just have to learn and do better next time. So I’m glad you asked … I like talking about this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How long have you had this style, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … I think when I was a really little kid, dad and I went to visit one of his work friends who had a daughter, and on the way back home, I asked dad why her dolls had so many different dresses but my dolls didn’t have any dresses at all. Ha, I was too small to even tell the difference between barbies and Spiderman action figures … well, either way, dad thought it was funny, and he actually bought me a set of barbie dresses for me to play with. Alll my superhero figures looked fucking fabulous, for like a week. Then mother saw them, and she lost her shit, screaming about how I’m not supposed to be playing with that, and asking dad if he’s trying to make fun of me on purpose … I’m still not sure what that was supposed to mean. But she took the dresses away, and I really missed them, since they were so much fun to look at. And there was this other time, during the divorce, when they were both too busy with everything … they forgot to take me to the hairdresser, and my hair got </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> long enough so that I could put it into a ponytail. I stole one of mother's hair ties, and I spent </span>
  <em>
    <span>hours</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the bathroom in front of the mirror just making a ponytail, then pulling the hair tie off so that it would all go swoosh around my ears. I loved that feeling. It felt so … magical. But again, she found out and damn, she was bloody livid. Almost frothing at the mouth as she dragged me into the kitchen and started chopping my hair off … with … with-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anne, it’s okay. You don’t have to talk about that,” Satsuki cut in, seeing as Anne started shaking just a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s … I mean, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to tell you,” Anne assured him, holding on just a bit tighter. “She, uh … cut off all my hair with a pair of kitchen scissors. Like, the same ones she used for cutting up roasted chicken. I’ve never felt so humiliated in my whole life … so as I got older, it just became fun, you know? To go against her will, to sneak women's clothing into my room, to hide bracelets under the bed, to experiment with makeup in the school bathroom where she couldn’t barge in and stop me. I’m sure that for a long time, a big part of this was just rebelling against her, but … it’s where I found my freedom. It’s what I had fun doing. And being able to look like </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> felt a lot more like who I was, so … here we are, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking hell … I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. I mean, I already thought it was horrible that she didn’t let you be who you wanted to be, but the details … wow, it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> horrible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s more or less in the past now, so … I try not to think too much about it. Also, uhm … I think we got just a </span>
  <em>
    <span>bit</span>
  </em>
  <span> off topic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right ...” Satsuki sighed, secretly dreading what was actually still to come out of this conversation. Because what if it wasn’t what he hoped for? What if Anne didn’t want him anymore, after what he’d done and how he’d done it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ … did you really mean that? About being in love with me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” he answered without a doubt. “I love you so much, it feels like my chest will explode if I think about it any longer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled, his hands trembling as he kissed the top of Satsuki’s head. “I actually tried to say it twice before already, you know? But you got in the way, both times.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“In the way of what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me saying that I love you … too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck,” Satsuki let out a breath he was holding in, his whole body going limp in a wave of relief. “Even after … ?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> hurt me pretty bad, but … it’s not like it was something I’d have any right expecting you to be good at. And besides, I think you handled it really well in the end, even if it took you a while. So, like … I think I can forgive that. And I really do love you, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Satsuki nodded, pulling away and sitting up so that he was now facing Anne straight on. “But I want to become the kind of guy who doesn’t hurt you, or anyone else, like this ever again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you can learn that, no problem.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then … Anne, would you be my boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning closer to Satsuki, Anne covered his mouth to stifle his laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha?! What’s funny? I’m serious, why are you laughing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because we’re already dating, you idiot,” Anne tried to explain, cupping Satsuki’s blushing face in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, well, I just wasn’t sure, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm … it was really cute though. Ask me again!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you be my boyfriend?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Anne answered, pressing his lips against Satsuki’s. “Gladly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Great,” he sighed, once again holding onto Anne for dear life. “Can I die now? It feels like I should be dead by now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about getting some food instead? I’m starving.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh … I kinda forgot about that, me too. Oh, and also, your guys … I mean, uh, the other guys?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My guys is fine, if you mean those two idiots.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea, well, they might still be waiting outside the door to throw me out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, how did you even get here in the first place?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I begged Hajun not to kill me on sight, and I think Allen just took pity on me in the end.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds about right,” Anne chuckled as he got off the bed, reaching a hand out to Satsuki. “Come on, babe. Let’s go eat something, before either of us faints from malnutrition.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like that’s the last thing I’d be fainting from ...” he smiled, following Anne out of the room.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Full disclaimer once again, before I accidentally spawn some fanon/canon misconceptions: as much as I love to be canon compliant as much as possible, I felt like Anne's past was kind of important here, and yet there's so much we just don't know about in detail, so I made stuff up to fill in the gaps. I think it's a good interpretation as to how it could have been, but obviously, it's just a headcanon.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Rolling Out, Our Best Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Good morning,” Anne called out as he peeked into the living room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning?!” Hajun immediately responded, looking out from the kitchen. “What morning? The sun’s about to set, ya’ll slept through the whole day, meanwhile-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsuki-kun!! You’re okay, oh damn, I was so worried!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Zen-nii?” Satsuki yelped in surprise, finding himself swept off the floor and into the air. “What are you doing here?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?” Hajun asked, clicking his tongue. “He showed up like 2 hours after you, what was I gonna do, keep him outside? No thanks, I don’t feel like dying yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re up?! Ohhhh, hi guys!” Allen joined the commotion from the door of his room. “Welcome back from the dead! You scared us real good last night … we didn’t hear anything for a while so I went to check up on you guys and you were just lying there! I thought you both passed out or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That might still happen if you guys don’t stop yapping and get me some food … and, uhm, I mean, sorry about all of this, Zen-san.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Anne-kun, not at all! I am just happy everything is okay now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Is</span>
  </em>
  <span> everything okay though?” Allen asked, raising an eyebrow at Anne and Satsuki.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Other than me still not being put down?” Satsuki asked, trying to wiggle out of Zen’s grasp. “Yeah, everything’s okay. Sorry for … well … everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn kids,” Hajun loudly complained to himself in the kitchen. “Taking </span>
  <em>
    <span>years</span>
  </em>
  <span> off my lifespan. I’m gonna get wrinkles before I’m 25 if this keeps going on!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You hearing this, Satsu? I guess we have to start being an old boring couple, or else our prince is gonna lose his modelling gig.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would point out, however, that even though he sounds upset, I do think he’s making sandwiches for you guys as we speak,” Zen noted, putting Satsuki back on the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not just them! You too, Gazen-san.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, I could not, I’ve imposed on you enough already!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, please, it’s the least I can offer in exchange for all the trouble these two have caused lately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s just all sit down and eat, please … preferably in silence,” Anne pleaded with the bunch, slouching down at the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seconding that … I’m starved,” Satsuki followed, sitting next to Anne and resting on his shoulder as if his boyfriend were just the most convenient portable pillow in the world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The five of them ended up talking for a long time. Despite his complaints, Hajun lovingly made two more plates of sandwiches just to ensure both Anne and Satsuki were caught up on their calories. Allen had to be told at least 3 times that yes, they were in fact still dating. Satsuki apologized for everything twice as many times, thanking Hajun and Allen for still wanting to be his friends - even though Hajun adamantly insisted that it’s not like they’ve ever been friends, or anything like that, and that he’s only petting his head right now to make fun of him, or whatever. Zen almost cried, despite being completely sober.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was already pitch dark outside by the time he mentioned he should probably get back home. “Are you coming back with me, or ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, I ...” Satsuki paused, looking around the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But before he could say anything else, Anne was already clinging onto his arm, smiling at Zen: “Nooo, can’t I keep him a bit longer? He still has some of his clothes in my closet anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, that’s no problem, I won’t carry him away against his will … if that’s fine with you, of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hajun waved his hand, rolling his eyes. “We’ll manage. We have a stage battle coming up either way, right? I’ll bring you an invoice for his food then.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s joking,” Allen jumped in right away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shush, you idiot … since when do we say no to free money?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah but not from the ya- I mean … uh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Zen assured them, raising his hands. “We definitely do owe you guys, lots.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same here,” Allen insisted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can call it even then,” Zen laughed, reaching out to shake Allen and Hajun’s hands before saying goodbye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne and Satsuki saw him off at the door just as Hajun closed himself off in his room on the other end of the hallway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you think he’s mad at me?” Satsuki asked, glancing across the hallway with a sad look in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, babe, trust me, you’re fine. He’s just had triple his weekly amount of close human interaction in one day, so I think he’s just tired … plus, he’s been sleeping on my floor for the past week, so I can’t imagine he enjoyed that too much either. He always says the clutter in my room has bad vibes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clutter? What clutter? Your room is pretty neat, most of the time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but his is literally barren. I’m not even sure if he kept the wall paint, or if he scraped that off too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t, but it is white though,” Allen remarked, leaning on the sofa in the living room. “Either way, I think I’ll go write some more music now … in my sound isolated room … with my noise cancelling headphones, as usual. See you guys tomorrow!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne rolled his eyes, taking Satsuki’s hand. “If we could go </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span> week without these jokes, I feel like I’d owe them 3 months of cleaning the house for free,” he complained, dragging Satsuki back to his room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jokes? What jo- oh. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oooooh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> uff.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You precious, innocent soul,” Anne chuckled, closing his door and pushing Satsuki back on the bed. “Don’t mind them. All I have in mind for tonight is cuddling the shit out of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds great!” Satsuki reached out, pulling Anne onto him. After some giggling and tossing around, they ended with Anne’s head on the pillow, staring at the ceiling, and Satsuki’s head resting on Anne’s chest again - a place he’s already seemed to develop great affinity for. “Man, this is great … I can actually do this now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lie down like this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne smiled, shaking his head. “You know, even if you thought I was a girl, you still could have done this a long time ago already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y-Yea, b-but, uh, w-well ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, you and your nerves. Honestly, if you’re that squeamish at the mere thought of boobs, it might even be better for you to just date guys in general, if you don’t want to get a heart attack.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bully ...” Satsuki mumbled, cuddling even closer and holding onto Anne like a sloth hanging off a tree branch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I’m just kidding, babe. But you really are adorable when you’re flustered like this, I’m so lucky to have the privilege of seeing you blush.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re welcome. Is it really okay if I’m like this though?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what? All shy? Blushing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I mean … well, I guess it’s just my stupid ideas bouncing off my brain, but like … this still feels wrong somehow. I feel like I should be the one holding you and comforting you, and not vice versa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you like being held, don’t you? And kissed, and pinned down on the bed, and dragged around whenever I’m holding your hand?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes to all of that!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I like doing all those things, so … where’s the problem? Did you never notice how compatible we are when it comes to this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Compatible? About what?” Satsuki asked, propping himself up with his arm and staring down at Anne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About showing and receiving affection,” Anne smiled as if it were the simplest thing, reaching up to gently stroke Satsuki’s cheek. “You liked being cared for and spoiled and all that, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki nodded, his face turning a wonderful shade of red once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I like spoiling you, so it works out just fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I … I’m not sure I understand how it </span>
  <em>
    <span>wouldn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> work out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it can be quite a problem actually! That ex I keep talking about, for example, she was a lot more like me; she liked showing affection more than being the one receiving it, and so we ended up having to actually pay a lot of attention to how that was going, to kinda balance things out so that we both felt happy overall. But with you … it just works. I think that’s the biggest reason why I fell for you so fast: you just absorb all of my affection, and I never feel like I’m doing too much or pushing you into a spot you don’t want to be in, because when you want to change things up a bit, I know you will. You always have. You’re plenty good at showing affection too, and I love that … but I think our usual dynamic with you being spoiled to death is still my favorite nonetheless. It makes me so happy!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So … it’s okay then?” Satsuki asked, his voice wavering just a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Being yourself? Of course … it’s what I’m in love with after all. Now get back here, I can’t cuddle you if you’re just there staring at me with these pretty eyes of yours!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Smiling, Satsuki moved his hand to push a few strands of hair away from Anne’s face. “I know … but I like staring at you. You’re beautiful.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I’m kinda scared that my brain still isn’t registering this properly, cause … I know you’re a guy. But you don’t look like one, so … it feels like this will take some time getting used to. I’m sorry if that’s a horrible thing to say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne shook his head: “I don’t think it is. And if you need time, that’s fine with me. But also … close your eyes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just close your eyes,” Anne repeated, pushing him back and sitting up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, eyes closed, blind as a bat,” Satsuki chuckled, hearing a rustling of fabric before Anne reached out for his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Here. See? Flat as a board. How’s this for getting used to me being a guy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satsuki opened his eyes, finding his hand pressed against Anne’s chest. His shirt was lying next to them on the bed, and so there was </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span> between Satsuki’s fingertips and Anne’s skin, and … it felt amazing. Satsuki stared at Anne with wide eyes, the gears in his head turning at the speed of light: a guy, yep, definitely a guy. And he’s obviously seen plenty of shirtless guys before, but it never felt intimate like this. He could feel Anne’s heartbeat right under his palm, he could see his chest move up and down with every breath, he could see his muscles twitch with every small movement, and he’s never in his life felt this confused before. Part of him wanted to pull back, look away and pretend none of this happened, but part of him wanted to reach out, wanted to feel Anne’s skin against his, wanted all of this more than he could ever even put to words. And at least by now, he knew which part to listen to.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you?” were the next words out of his mouth, just a ragged whisper as he leaned forward, his lips already brushing against Anne’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Since when do you need permission to kiss your boyfriend?” Anne teased, his heart pounding just a bit faster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Then I won’t ask,” Satsuki answered, biting down and tugging on Anne’s lip to make room for his tongue. His hands slipped around Anne’s back, the warmth of his exposed skin interspersed with a new strand of hair at every step: it felt like kissing a lion, strong and majestic with the most fabulous mane. Smiling at his dumb comparison, Satsuki leaned deeper into the kiss, his fingers softly pulling at Anne’s hair. Slowly, he pushed Anne back onto the bed, finally parting their lips and listening to his exhausted panting like it was the best song he’s ever heard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sa-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhh, baby ...” Satsuki cut him off, pressing a finger against Anne’s lips. “No need to call for me, I’m not going anywhere. I love this too much. I love </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> too much,” he whispered, leaning over and kissing Anne’s cheek. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated over and over again, his lips moving across Anne’s jaw and down to his neck, stealing every bit of skin they came across.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu … I love you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Satsuki answered, his teeth sinking softly into the nape of Anne’s neck. “I know, Anne … I know.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. One Shot To Ask Everything You Want And More</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>With eyes closed and his head subconsciously leaning to the side to expose more of his neck, Anne couldn’t stop his lips from turning into the biggest smile he’s worn in a long time, possibly ever. It felt so good, being with Satsuki … but even more than that, it felt good that Satsuki was still attracted to him. Even after all this, Satsuki still wanted to hold him and kiss him and … and be close to him. There was no mistaking this - maybe Satsuki really was into guys after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Satsu?” he called out to him, pressing a soft kiss against the side of his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm?” Satsuki answered, taking a short break from leaving marks on Anne’s skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you like this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really,” Satsuki insisted, lying down next to Anne and softly stroking the side of his face. “I’m just as shocked as you, but I guess, uhm … I like this. I’m into this. Looking at you like this makes my head spin a little.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks ...” Anne sighed, not sure what else to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, you know what?” Satsuki carried on, his hand trailing from Anne’s cheek down across his chest and resting on his stomach. “I think you’re … ahm, you’re … I think you’re hot! There, I said it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm ...” Anne leaned on his side, reaching out to gently hold Satsuki’s chin, his thumb just barely touching his bottom lip. “I’m really glad I’m the one you’re discovering this side of you with.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too,” Satsuki replied almost instantly, closing his eyes and leaning into Anne’s touch. “I’m so into you, it’s fucking crazy. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone, much less … a guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And yet … here we are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea. And I love it. I love you. Thank you … for taking me back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for coming back in the first place.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to, baby … I had to. Everything I’m looking for is right here. Doesn’t matter how scared I am, as long as it’s with you, I … I can figure this out, I think.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to rush it, you know? Finding what this means for you, your identity, us … we don’t have to rush any of that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good … cause I think there are a lot of things I’ll need some time for.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s perfectly fine,” Anne answered with a smile, patting his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki followed the invitation, laying down his head and reaching for the blanket, just to make sure Anne wasn’t cold or anything. “This is so nice ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you more dumb stuff while we’re like this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure,” Anne smiled, kissing the top of Satsuki’s head and wrapping his arms around him. “What’s on your mind?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you know you liked guys? Or like … how did you know you liked both? If that makes sense?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get what you mean, yeah … but it’s kinda hard to answer, because it wasn’t really like that for me. I wasn’t thinking about it, to be honest. When I started high school, there was this guy … a 3rd year, so he was 2 years older than me, but all my classmates fawned over him. We were both in the art club, so we kinda started hanging out, and … sometimes, we stayed alone in the club room, just talking about random shit. There was this one time when we had a sword fight with some brushes, and we got paint all over our faces. I said he doesn’t even look like himself anymore, and he said something about how maybe he shouldn’t wash it off so that he can get home just once without some girl asking him out. He sounded sad and I wanted to cheer him up, so I told him he shouldn’t care about those stupid girls. He then asked me if I think girls are stupid, and I thought he was talking about my classmates specifically, so I said yes, and then … he kissed me. Like, full on pulled me into his arms and kissed me out of nowhere, and then … we just made out in the club room for a while. I’ve never been with anyone like that before, and I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was already well into the mindset that gender can be whatever you want it to be, but … the fact that he was a guy was the </span>
  <em>
    <span>last</span>
  </em>
  <span> thing on my mind. He took my comment about girls being stupid as me saying I was gay, and he was kinda surprised when I said I didn’t think I was, but still … we stayed together until he graduated.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And after?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, he was going abroad for university, and neither of us were ready for a long distance thing, so … we both agreed to call it off. It wasn’t too sad or anything, like … we didn’t even call each other boyfriends at the time. There was this mutual understanding, kind of, that we were just … with each other cause we happened to be in the right place at the right time, and we both liked it. I still talk to him every now and then, by the way! He’s working as a programmer in London, with some posh apartment and an even posher photographer boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, should have stayed with him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And then not meet you? Nah, I don’t think so. And besides, I doubt we’d work out anyway. Neither of us really knew who we were yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not all people are a highway, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right! I’m surprised you remember, that’s so thoughtful of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I remember … was that about him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm, not really. Like, we certainly had something special, but I wouldn’t really say I loved him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see. And after he left?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, turns out that if the most popular guy in school spends most of his free time with you instead of any of the dozen girls throwing themselves at him, you’re bound to get some rumors started. I got my fair share of guys more or less carefully asking if it was true that I was into guys, and I didn’t really think twice before saying yes. Because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> into guys. It didn’t really occur to me that people took that to mean that I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>only</span>
  </em>
  <span> into guys, or that their gender was what qualified someone to date me in the first place. Either way, I dated two more guys in high school, was definitely in love with one of them, but he ended up falling for someone else, which was a big heartbreak for me … he was kind about it at least, so that was cool. Then I got to university where I wasn’t known as the token gay anymore, so some of the girls actually showed interest in me, and I dated one for a few months, and then </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>was the one breaking up with her because I fell for someone else, so my love life really came around full circle there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your last ex?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yup. Fashion design student. Absolutely fabulous human being. I was head over heels, literally. Like, the first time I tried talking to her I was so nervous, I tripped and fell on my ass like an idiot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow, really? That’s something I would do!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See? I’m not nearly as cool as you think I am! But she did find it endearing, so I guess it worked out well for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you broke up because of CANDY?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, among other things. Like, there were some other problems too, but the main incompatibility was that she really wanted someone to hold and protect like a newborn kitten, and she felt like all the people at my job got in the way of that. Which to be fair, isn’t totally off base. I mean, I basically get paid to have people spoil me with champagne, so … I could see where she was coming from. It still sucked when we ended things, but we did our best to be cool about it. I haven’t talked to her since, but maybe I will text her at some point, just to see how she’s doing and all that. Probably not anytime soon though, since it hasn’t been that long since our breakup yet. Less than a year, actually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like quite a lot of time still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe, but … I don’t know, I guess I just want to make sure she has enough time to move on. It’s not like I’m in any rush to talk to her again or anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Makes sense … how about you, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you move on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, that … nothing specific, really. I cried it out, the guys stuffed me with ice cream for a weekend, we went clubbing next week, life kinda just went on. We had music to work on, and then Paradox came back from the dead … it’s just been busy. I kinda decided I wouldn’t have time for another relationship, so I had a few dates with some people just for fun, until this one guy showed up all stuttering and nervous … and now I’m here, reminiscing about my exes as he lies on my chest. Ain’t that romance, ha?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you’re joking, but … I do think this is very romantic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, because all these people mattered to you, and you matter to me, and so … I like hearing about the things that made you who you are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, damn ...” Anne sighed, ruffling Satsuki’s hair. “Not a jealous bone in your body these days, is there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Only for Hajun,” Satsuki answered in jest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shhhhh … before Allen accidentally hears you and thinks you want a threesome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aaa?? No, no, nope, no thanks ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just kidding, babe … I doubt he can hear anything over his music anway, so you’re safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope so … but anyway, thank you for telling me all that. It makes me feel so much closer to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly, same ...” Anne agreed with a smile. “You’re so easy to talk to …I don’t mind telling you anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then … hmm … eh, well ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there something else you want to ask??”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, just … ehm … uh, it’s ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wanna know how many of them I slept with?” Anne filled in the silence, pretty certain in his assumption based on Satsuki’s stuttering lack of words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... y-yes, if it’s not- I mean, you don’t have to, it doesn’t matter to me, but ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re curious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing wrong with that. Three of them; my last ex, the guy from high school that I was in love with, and the first guy I made out with. We were each other’s first everything, actually … and it was good sex, but it didn’t even remotely compare to being with people I was actually in love with later on. I don’t know, maybe I’m just overly sentimental or something, but the whole emotional connection thing is a huge part of it for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you’re overly sentimental. I think that’s really … I mean, not like I know anything about it, but still … it feels nice to think about it like that, rather than just something you can do with anyone. But … that means you haven’t been with a guy in a while, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... nothing. I was just wondering, uh … what it’s like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “Well, for starters, the fact that there’s no chance of any accidents happening is </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> great. But other than that … I don’t know, can’t say I have a preference?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll say it again though, there’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span> need for you to rush into any of that. You’ve got more than enough things to think through already. Once you feel like you want to explore sex, we can do it at your pace, as slowly as you’ll want to … but there’s really no rush to get there in the first place. Just take your time, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But isn’t it annoying? Having to wait for me ...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope. Not in the slightest. I’m not </span>
  <em>
    <span>waiting </span>
  </em>
  <span>for you, Satsu … I already have you. And you’re so much more than just that, so … don’t put pressure on yourself, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki sighed in relief, hugging Anne even tighter. “Fuck … I’m so in love with you. You’re so amazing. Thank you so much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything for you, dear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so … there’s one last thing, but … it’s kinda embarrassing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Feel free to blush all you want, it’s already dark enough so that I can’t see shit. But if you’d like, I can also drop the blanket over your head?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks … I don’t think that’ll be necessary though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. So? What else do you wanna ask?“</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satsuki closed his eyes, biting his lip. He wasn’t really sure about asking this, and he figured it might sound really stupid, but the idea just fell into his head and he loved it, and he just wanted to make sure it was possible, so … “Once we have sex … at least for the first time, can I … can I be the bottom?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? That’s it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I don’t h-have t-to, just-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anne cut him off, moving slightly to reach his lips with a kiss. “Sure. I’m all for it, I was just surprised.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-Surprised? Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know … I guess I thought you’d want to be on top, since that’s kinda more similar to being with a girl, at least.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M-Maybe, but … I think I’d want you to be in control of everything, and lead me through it, and … I just want my first time to be overwhelmed with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit ...” Anne mumbled, wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes. “I’m not crying or anything. You’re just … so damn perfect. I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And once you’ll want us to go there, I promise you, you’re all mine, I’ll take the best care of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“All mine,” Anne repeated with a smile, kissing him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not gonna lie, that felt like having a heart attack, but I’m glad I asked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too. Now, do I also get to ask you something?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. What is it?” Satsuki asked, looking at Anne’s mischievous eyes as he moved closer to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would kindly ask you to shut the fuck up so I can kiss you,” Anne replied bluntly, bringing their lips together again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Done. Please, go ahead ...” Satsuki answered, half of his words getting lost in the kiss.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<span>He was so happy, so damn happy to be there, to have Anne, to be able to talk about everything he wanted to, no matter how weird or stupid it sounded in his head. If someone asked him right now what he thought love was, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> would be his answer. Not the kisses, not the butterflies, not the pain of missing someone … but having someone you feel safe telling anything to. Or, having someone you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to tell everything to.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Much like chapter 17, this is once again headcanon central. I had lots of fun thinking of what Anne's dating history would look like!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Passion project for my lovely angel, H.</p><p>Thanks to K for the awesome character notes, and to J for linguistics ;)</p><p>Come say hi on Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/IppenX">@IppenX</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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